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"Have you ever wondered what marks our time here - if one life can really make an impact on the world or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives - for better or worse." ~One Tree Hill

As I write this, I feel like I'm doing a very big disservice on a certain person.

Today I didn't have a good self-image day. I haven't had one of these since this person completely and utterly convinced me otherwise. To this person, I am fully indebted to because of it. However, I don't think this is a repayable thing. To me, it has been priceless. Since I saw this person, I haven't had a woe-is-me sort of day (I'm not giving examples of what I used to say to myself because it is not conducive to my well-being...).

Today was that sort of day...

I woke up and weighed myself. I gained the weight I lost last week (but are you guys not proud of me for not weighing myself every day?). I HATE when that dictates how I am going to feel about myself.

I told myself NO, I'm not going to go back into that behavior. NO!

So, every morning it takes me about a) 5 minutes to decide on what I am wearing. b) I always wear some sort of an undershirt (cami, tank, etc). A certain someone teases me because of this. It's legit M ( )... I have really sensitive skin and the tags and buttons on jeans really bother me (and okay it sucks stuff in, too haha) c) I usually layer things. I don't know, I'm obsessed with layers. C'est moi. d) and then when I FINALLY decide on what I am wearing, I take a picture of myself and send it to the boyfriend. He really likes pics of me (how would that not get old haha) and then he tells me some sort of a compliment. [Symbiotic relationship?! Tehe.] This man knows how to make me feel good, that's for sure (really me in the morning is... cute AND pretty AND beautiful? I think not).

So it takes me 5-10 minutes if I start out my day like I did. I have to make sure the outfit feels especially good, so I feel better. You see me wearing makeup? Then you know it was a bad morning (oh my goodness, I wish there wasn't so much truth to that statement [unless you get me for a special occasion, i.e., wedding]).

What do I do now? I try on one of my favorite shirts from my favorite store, Banana Republic

I wore this in the fall to the regional chem meeting...

[only SORT OF (best I could find) shown here with the chromatography guy]




What do I find this morning (yeah, it is weird I took a pic, but get used to it--- I'm switching over to a photo blog) ...



WTF?! The pythons totally wanted to get out.

(attempt at) Humor means I am trying to shine light on the situation. "They" really have made me feel a little self-conscious (yeah, um--- I'll show you anytime... until you make a comment like the following) since some asshole told me that if I do isolated triangle push-ups that I can get rid of some of my arm flab.

I didn't almost cry, thank goodness. But it made me feel really bad about actually liking my arms.

That was yesterday.

This was today.

See that correlation?

I rifle through some clothes by, of course, layering, and then send a pic to C:



[I have to note that I really have the angle down, so I completely feel this is not an accurate representation of me... on a positive note, I swear I have been seeing a dimple on my right cheek. My "sister's" daughter has the cutest dimples and I LOVE DIMPLES. Every time I see C, I have to poke them. He attempts to hide them, but fails miserably. I tell him that they are the cutest defect ever... genetic defect being that cute?! I think not...]

Until I see my twin today... we take two pics (I post the one I perceive as the "good one" on fb and well, I guess I post the "other one" here, for my special friends.



I feel like an amazon woman next to her. ARG.

Still love you, DG. But why you gotta have sexy clavicles?!

Last week I was walking to the coffee shop with LT and I swear about 5 people checked her out.

I told her: "I can't bring you anywhere!!" [lol]

She also turned around and one of the chem-o's very slowly checked her out up and down as she was grabbing something. He is married and has three children. Men.are.disgusting. Okay, yeah, only some men, but really...

There in lies my double standard. After 11 y, 11 months, I know my man actually BELIEVES I'm the prettiest girl in the world, but I still want to feel like I am attractive to someone else.

How is this possible? It is jacked up, really. Repeat: I KNOW the boyfriend actually BELIEVES it.

Then I get freaked out that one of my friend's husband SENT ME A FACEBOOK MESSAGE simply saying "cute profile pic".

I almost threw up in my mouth.

I felt that was super shady. I simply said thanks and changed the subject.

But if some stranger pays a compliment (not a line, not wanting to get "any", but simply a NICE compliment), it really makes me think twice.

There is such anonymity with someone you don't know. They have no gain in telling you something (I'm thinking innocent comments, people). They don't know you. Your friends, your boyfriend, they KNOW you. Some don't give you uninhibited information. Hell, most don't.

That is why the quote at the beginning is relevant to my new REAL LIFE friend (I always considered you a friend, but now it is OFFICIAL). I "knew" this person, but I didn't actually KNOW this person. He really had no personal gain in snapping me out of some things, so there has to be truth.

So many people are touched by simple actions. I remember bad things people say to me, but have started documenting in a book GOOD things people say to me. Unfortunately, I remember good things I say to others, but I forget the bad. It is really sad how that happens.

Just imagine how many people are touched by you (good AND bad)? Think of people who touched you? Do they know even know what kind of an impact they left on you? Probably not.

On my list of things to do before I die (I haven't told this to a soul), I want to write a letter to a person every day for a year [I better not die soon] to the people who have made an impact on who I am today. Yep, 365 letters. I plan on only sending them at once.

So, thanks to all of you friends. You've all touched me more than you could ever realize. And hey, maybe you'll get a letter from me 20 years from now. WINK!

"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."

~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

xoxoxo

P.S. As I re-read this, I only NOW remember (after me feeling bad about it) what a guy friend told me last week when I flexed.

Simply: "Damn, Judes."

Yep. Proving my point we forget the good and positive things people say to us...

I had to go the surgeon last week (don’t freak--- yep, after ca. four weeks of shuffling doctor visits, I am fine).

 The doctor (who shall remain nameless) comes in (after one hour and five minutes of me being scantily clad in the room).

 

“Thank you for your patience (maybe he meant patients haha); it is really busy today!”

“No worries, I got to read a magazine (a whole magazine, front to back); I understand.”

He had what could be perceived as a nervous tick.  I actually think that it may not be nervous, maybe just a tick.  His right eye blinked four times faster than his left eye. 

 

“Sooooooooooooooooo (as he looked at the chart) [my name] what do you do (mind you, this small talk is appreciated, but probably the reason why you should schedule your appointments further apart and most likely the reason why I waited over an hour half nekkid)?”

“I’m a grad student.”

“In what?”

“Organic chemistry.”

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 

(Really, just because I am MN is not the only reason I gave the long, drawn out vowels, he did this dead cow sound.)

He paused after this then proceeded to tell me some interesting details (details, I can always go without).

“Well, when I took organic, I got a D plus.”

[Why do doctors have to tell me this?!]

“You probably shouldn’t be telling me this (we judge doctors to begin with!).”

“Ah, don’t worry (clearly, he’s the surgeon, but this is why doctors scare me--- when they don’t get organic chemistry as a clear cut way to their degree, ummm hello?!) I took it IN THE SUMMER (we all know what this means) and got a B plus.”

[Me trying to pretend that he took it from Woodward.]

“Uh, okay… right,” as I made some smart-ass comment (I am sure it was funny; there was a lot of laughing).

Then he got on to the other stuff.

As he was leaving, I said:

“I’ll try not to judge you for getting a D plus in O chem.” 

 

He chuckled really loud, said thanks,  shook my hand and wished me luck.

... that the world is changing around me, but I am staying the same?? This time of year always freaks me out. It is the start of a new school year. Everyone conglomerates on campus all at once. New freshman who look so young. New freshman with their parents. Students, students, galore. It just freaks me out. Maybe because I am very claustrophobic. The only bar I like going to is one that is a hole in the wall that not many people frequent. You can say I am some sort of a recluse (not as bad as the cute bf, but still)... hopefully not Catcher In the Rye sort of reclusive, but reclusive nonetheless. This time of year always reminds me of when I was a freshman. How young I must have looked. How much I thought I knew that I actually didn't. I know I could never be in Academia for this very reason... seeing the new faces arrive each year and seeing them go four to five years later, while I stay "in the same place". I had some PLU duties today and we had to speak with some of the first years and undergrads who have TA training. I saw about five or six of my previous students. Oh how they are all growing up and I'm staying the same. I think it really hit hard when there was a going away party for one person I taught as a first year. It was at a bar. When I taught them, they were 18 or 19 years old (a few advanced students were 17). Nope, I surely don't want to feel this way every year this time. I hate it. Last year this time, I remember writing a letter to one of my friends. I wrote this letter at my then favorite coffee shop (which is no longer there), looking out the window as the new students walk by... This frie nd has been there for me since sixth grade. We spent every possible moment together from then on. When we were freshman, we took all of the same classes, I stayed in her dorm room (I lived vicariously through her and lived at home during my college years except for one), people on her floor thought I lived there. This time of year always makes me think of her. I just go back to that time we took biology and chemistry intro classes together. She really struggled through chemistry and always says that I'm a crazy person (some truth to that) because of this. We spent late nights studying, early morning classes, with many laughs in between. She's the first person I saw after 9/11. I have so many strong memories with this person. So many great memories. Memories that are just that... memories... of the past. I'm still in school 8 years later and she's about to deliver a baby in three days. So many things have changed, but so many things have stayed the same. She's married, with child. I'm in school... still. That is another thing that always gets me this time. In so many ways I feel exactly the same as I did eight years ago. Yeah, I was a spring chicken; I had just traveled Europe for the first time and really felt like I had a piece of the world with me. I still oddly feel this way. The feeling of doing anything I want, that I have endless possibilities, I have choices (this has not changed). The only difference is that I am eight years older. I would like to think I am wiser, but so many things tie me to that part of my life. I get so nostalgic that it almost hurts. You ever have your heart hurt? I know that seems dramatic, but when I feel this every year, it just... gets old... reliving these feelings. Feeling like nothing has changed but my age. I see that same face I was 8 years ago. I see my face now, I just realize 8 years ago was an epoch in my life. Something I can't change. Something I can just look back and enjoy. Something I shouldn't focus on... except with all of these faces around, it is really hard not to. June 2001, She married into the family :) August 2009, 8 years later (at my poster session last week)...

Yesterday, I was harassed into playing basketball today at 11.  I haven't (unfortunately) played bball since May... ?... it has been a long while, too long actually.

 

I got there (early, in fact!), and waited until 11:05.  No dice.  Seriously, the last time I played, the guy who harasses everyone to play didn't show (and boy did I talk smack afterward).  This guy is a grandpa, had bypass (I believe triple, but don't quote me) last fall, and I always guard him.  

 

So, I decide I'm at the rec, why not work out.  I hop on the treadmill (really, I haven't ran since the beginning of June!!).  I was so excited when I ran a mile (1.6 km) in 9:45 (I actually think it was 9:40, but I don't want to say that--- my usual is about 10:30... 

 

Maybe that wasn't so smart because I found them and we started playing.  Maybe I was in need of the bypass.  :)

 

He told C that "boy, this girl can play; you can tell she's played before.  I've coached a lot of girls and she's got it down."  He's mentioned this to others, too, which always makes me feel good. 

 

The thing is, my element is playing bball with guys.  I really don't like playing with girls.  I always feel like I am apologizing for stepping on their toes or elbowing them, etc.  I feel like I take it easier on them even if they don't reciprocate. 

 

The absolute worst thing is when you have a huge group of guys and two girls and it doesn’t matter the size or match, but it is automatically assumed that you’re guarding each other. 

 

SO ANNOYING!! 

 

Today I was most definitely in my element (YAY).  We persuaded some random guy to play 2 on 2 with us.  I ALWAYS guard the old man (I call him that or grandpa or old bones... I talk smack :))... we shot for teams and we actually got on the same team.  This was odd for the both of us; we're used to playing against each other.  Besides, the other guy who always plays with him is super tall and has a wingspan of Andre the Giant (exaggeration LOL). 

 

Luckily, the random guy was my height (yet, quicker which doesn't take much).  I guarded him the first game.

 

I believe that I freaked him out the first time I shot...  :) ... and I got some good fake outs in and left handed shots, although I got rejected a lot... the joys of playing with dudes who jump. 

 

This white girl can't jump.

 

I boxed him out once and the guy said "damn girl".  I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.  HAHA.

 

We didn't win the first game so apparently we were gluttons for punishment.  The random dude wanted to switch teams but old man didn't want to, but we agreed to switch opponents.  Yep, that's right--- I get Andre.  He said that he would keep one arm lengths away (he didn't) if I didn't box him out too hard (his back hurt) or jab him with my elbows (I've been known to do that... ;)).  I guess he didn't because I can't control these elbows.  We started off great, I made a 3, then grandpa made 2 x 3-pointers then I made a 3. 

 

The only awkwardness I encounter playing bball with guys is they seem to get freaked out by my boxing out (yet they do the same?), elbowing in precious girl parts is always fun (queue the last time I played softball with C), and well...

 

I was going in for the steal with the rand-o dude and, well, as I was reaching for the ball, I, uh, grabbed a different kind.  Always awkward. 

 

I didn't address the situation.  Neither did he.  I actually did this while playing with a guy friend of mine.  My face turned red and he was laughing really hard... then he said something like: "yeah, you enjoyed it."

 

<<SICK>> 

Anyway, that was my fun for the day and it was quite enjoyable (you know, minus the LITTLE detail at the end, tehe).

Really, now I’m missing someone so much more… such thoughtfulness is this SA… she always writes the most thoughtful things to me… she writes poems in paper form and on my fb wall.  I feel so lucky to have a friend like her.  Didn’t I say she’s a J-supporter through and through?!  JUST.MAKES.ME.SMILE.AND.FEEL.SO.GRATEFUL.

 

LOVES to all! xoxo