That's a word I use to describe myself. Especially with what I do. There are divisions with my "profession" and I chose the one that I was the best at which is, at most, still mediocre. Today was one of those days that started off fine. I got up earlier than anytime this week (still late in standards for next week), I dressed up because I wanted to feel better about myself, I had a fabulous separation, et cetera.

I used to be an overly positive person. I always found the good in everyone and never thought about the bad. I always found the window when the door closed. I am sad to say that I don't see that attribute in myself anymore and that aggravates and depresses me.

With an afternoon like mine, it's hard to go on and try to see positively when I am extremely overwhelmed. How am I going to continue on with doing my health a favor and not let other IMPORTANT things in my life go to the wayside? It really feels like it is one or the other. My profession or my health. There truly are not enough hours in the day for me to be efficient at both. Before, it always was: "I will wait for this to get done, then I will go to the gym". Guess what? I never got to the gym. By the time it was done or I had a moment, I was extremely exhausted or it was 2 am OR both. Then it was: I will just go tomorrow. Yep, never happened. Not enough sleep therefore not enough energy because of bad nutrition and no exercise to sustain everything. Now it is like I FINALLY (AGAIN, after much awaited to-do) have my health back in order. [I woke up feeling fantastic. My body likes me again and, in turn, I like my body again- yes, I want to more work on it, but I am feeling great health-wise and this feeling makes me what to continue.] Yes, my health is back but my profession isn't. HOW DO I JUGGLE? And WHY AM I JUGGLING?! Is this what I want to do with my life? What if I make the profession sacrifice, therefore damaging my health and HATE WHAT I DO and HATE HOW I FEEL because I let everything go?! Or what if I make the HEALTH sacrifice and regret not putting more effort into the profession? It's all so depressing... all in the hopes of a better life. Of this hell to be over with. The trust that God knows what He's doing. What if I am leading myself astray? [I hate that I continually second-guess myself--- don't worry I tack that on my list.] Why do I constantly say: "when my life starts I will get to do THIS or THAT" ... what if I die tomorrow and regret NOT LIVING.

"Life happens when you are busy planning for tomorrow."

15 VISITORS TODAY! That makes me uber happy! I had left-over fajitas for lunch and just had a snack. I am doing fun research-y things now and will work out this evening. I don't know if I can handle not weighing myself. My boyfriend said that I need to show some kind of restraint. He's hilarious- he really is. And he's a great ball of encouragement! Woohoo. Will write more later.

YUM. Made fajitas with green, yellow and red bell peppers, onions, chicken, some olive oil, carb balance tortillas (1 pt and ELEVEN grams of fiber PER tortilla!), 2% Kraft Mexican cheese, a fajita packet... et voila! The yummiest meal that I have had in a long time!

Overall, I had more calories than usual and used some flex points, but all in all I am very satisfied!

Calories In: 1800-1900. 26+6 flex points. [Get this: I had 55g fiber today! Isn't that nuts?!]

Calories Out: Approximately 300.

Taken from:

http://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?art_id=45811&tabnum=1&sc=45811&subnav=Health

Article written by Elizabeth Josefsberg.

Weight Watchers has been sending a consistent message over the years: "Stop dieting, start living." An awesome thought. The idea of eating what I wanted and losing weight brought me to my first meeting over five years ago. I must be honest, after years of dieting, I was sure I'd prove Weight Watchers wrong! Every time I ate what I wanted, I found myself nearly 30 pounds heavier.

Five years and a career change later, Weight Watchers was right. Learn to live a healthy lifestyle, and you'll set yourself free of the diet mindset.

As a Leader, I have a wonderful perch from which I can watch hopeful members wander through the meeting room doors. After years of observing, I've come to learn that the members who lose weight and keep it off are the ones who really do as Weight Watchers recommends.

Stop dieting. It sounds easy, but for many of us, years of "diet" conditioning and societal messages send us down that calorie, fat and carb-counting road time and again, never to find our way home. I now believe there are some factors that can truly affect your success rate and help you dump the diet mindset. I have outlined seven strategies that I've seen work for both myself and my members. Read through them, then share your thoughts and ideas on the Message Board thread below.

1. Eat your weekly POINTS® Allowance.
You don't get a reward or go to Weight Watchers heaven for denying yourself the additional 35 weekly POINTS Allowance. In fact, they expire at the end of the week, so they're gone, never to be enjoyed again. I see new members walk through the door swearing they won't touch their extra "stash" of POINTS values, thinking they'll lose weight faster. But being this strict makes people miserable and is nearly impossible to maintain. The weekly POINTS Allowance was created to allow for flexibility and creativity in your plan.

2. Attend weekly meetings.
The research is strong. People who attend weekly meetings lose three times more weight than those who don't. There is a magic that happens when you sit in a room full of people with a common goal.

3. Read up on fitness and health topics.
Approach your lifestyle change as a course of study. Read everything you can get your hands on to further educate yourself about how to live a healthy lifestyle. Periodicals, books, videos and the Internet are great places to learn about ways to shop for food, prepare meals, become active and maintain a healthy weight.

4. Refuse to get stuck in a food rut.
Take a look at your daily menu. Do you eat the same breakfast and lunch every day? If so, you're on a diet. You're afraid to try new foods for fear they will throw you off track.

This is a recipe for disaster! Your number one priority should be to explore new foods and meals. Create a huge repertoire of satisfying foods that you enjoy and know work to support your long-term weight loss and weight maintenance.

5. Don't be an obsessive scale hopper.
Weight fluctuates from hour to hour and day to day. Jumping on the scale too often can become frustrating and get in the way of you seeing your overall progress. Be sure to focus on the non-scale changes, such as how your clothing fits and the compliments you receive for further positive reinforcement.

6. Focus on behavior change.
Watch your actions as carefully as you watch the scale. Celebrate every behavior change that you see yourself making. Pay close attention to how you act during social gatherings, at work and alone at home at night. Have you begun to bring your lunch to work? Fantastic. This small change is a major accomplishment that will result in long term weight loss and weight maintenance.

7. Don't quit.
At the end of the day, the most successful "losers" are the ones who simply refuse to give up. They don't flinch when the scale goes up and they don't let negativity stand in their way. If you find yourself dreaming about the day you "finish," reframe that idea and begin to focus on healthy eating. When you refuse to quit, eventually all of this becomes second nature. Let go of perfectionism and settle in for the course of a lifetime.

Fabulous. That's how I feel today. It's a positive thinking/feeling/doing kind of day--- and one I haven't had for a long time. It's been one month and one day since I started this blog. I believe my first blog post said that I was going to start going back to meetings. Well, I have this very special "family member" who is encouraging, inspiring, positive, and pretty much my biggest fan (the feeling is mutual, btw). When I see you, it’s like we never parted. When I don't get to see you, simply it sucks. You are one phone call away (sometimes three a day!). Yesterday, she pushed me towards positive actions not once, but twice. She said something about working out, then I heard it from DG. It's these positive influences in my life that push me when I need it the most. Last night I talked to her at about 11 pm. (I tell you, she's always there and that is such a refreshing feeling!) She asked one simple question. It was a non-confrontational, non-judgmental question.

When are you going back to meetings?

What about a kick in the back. It's a good thing really. I have been paying for it since July (automatic deductions). I was dreading it. After all, the time I went to my FIRST meeting HERE two Augusts ago, the woman "Steph" basically called me fat... truly; it is not the same as my meetings back in GF. I had K, then D&L, then V, then C. It was awesome going to meetings where you absolutely loved the crazy leader and you got to see your friends there. Meetings are nice for the support and the encouragement, but it's even better with these amazing people around! So, I really don't like going to these meetings. I haven't found someone who compares to M.L. SIMPLY PUT. But, that is not an excuse. Well, it has been--- that and the fear of being judged at the scale like the first time.

So, there you have it. I went to my first meeting since...

July 21, 2007.

Yet, I have paid around $240 for an absence.

I never cancelled it, because I told myself I was going back. Once she asked me that yesterday, it was accountability that lead me to the meeting. I went. I went! It was amazing. Okay, the meeting wasn't all that great, but it was amazing! Ironically, I am the same weight as I was in July--- and that is due to the fact that I got back on the wagon! The irony is that I am excited to be at that weight. Small steps… that’s all I can do! I am going to try not weigh myself until the next meeting. That sucks, because I am an OBSESSIVE weigher!

So, it really is the little things. One simple question lead to one simple action.

Now, I have to keep going!!! I am back on my Wednesday meeting kick right now. I hope to keep it or attend one in the morning on Thursdays. Nonetheless, I NEED TO GO!

Calories In: 800 so far, 14 pts.

Calories Out: around 300- treadmill for 30 minutes.

I need this, guys. I am very stressed and I need to keep my sanity. I pray this helps.

Thanks, loyal readers and thanks for all of you who hold me accountable. I love that (but hate it at the same time!) tehe. No, seriously, thanks!