You ever hear people dying of broken hearts? It’s that physical ache that one gets when something doesn’t go just right. Today I experienced this feeling, as I have many times before. I keep praying to my Lord and Savior to just guide me in the right direction. Looking back on the many times I have felt this horrible feeling, it was in God’s plan. And don’t get me wrong; I don’t believe God is a vindictive deity. It’s just in those times He has something else in your plan. To me, this has got to be the rainbow after a storm. Once the storm has clouded YOUR vision, you think that was thee way things should have turned out or what YOU see as your path. But then you come to the realization that, in fact, God is, after all, GOD--- bearer of all good things holy and true, the all-knowing, all-powerful, and right 100% of the time. His error rate is 0.0000000000 to the nth degree.
I tried my hardest on the last cume. I got it today and as I trudged down those never-ending three flights of stairs I just kept saying to myself “don’t be disappointed; you tried your hardest; you tried your hardest; you tried your hardest; you did your best”. I opened up the sealed envelope what I felt that would determine my fate. Okay, I TEARED (pardon the pun) it open. I saw that proverbial “C” staring back at me. In grad school, a C is failing in all respects. I loathe the feeling of failure. However, failing in grad school has a consolation prize: masters. It may just be in God’s plan. He knows what’s best for me and I need to recognize that. In that, I am not saying that I am giving up.
I need an A for the next cume. It’s a stretch, but that doesn’t mean I am giving up. Yes, I am broken hearted. Yes, I feel like a failure. Yes, I am sad. In fact, Bud1 asked me today what was wrong as I was not bantering with him. I said “I got a C”. I should have written it down, because at the moment I muttered “I”, I felt I was tearing up. He said, “You didn’t make it?” I had to leave class and cry in the bathroom. Keep in mind, I am in a class with 15 men who see me as just another “guy”. I tried to cover up my face with my beautiful brown hair ;). Once, I got my composure, I came back but as I sat down, I just felt the overwhelming feeling of failure, of my heart breaking. I just am so… disheartened.
I told my boyfriend about this. He is so supportive and truly my biggest fan. He kept saying that I am amazing; I am smart; and that he could never go through this.
But, one step after the other, I need to go on. I have a test on Wednesday and I really, really, really DON’T want to get the low score, AGAIN. Shake it, J. Shake it. Let’s hope I don’t shank it.
P.S. How embarasing that I am at the coffee shop, letting the breeze go through my hair and dry the tears off of my face. It's a beautiful night, at least.
P.P.S. How ironic is it that one of my friends called this morning and she said SHE was dying of a broken heart. Over what?! Chemistry. Yep, so I buy her a present and a card just to brighten her day, which, in turn, does cheer me up, too. Oh, LIFE.
|
