I have recently thought about writing a book about my life. Not many people know EVERYTHING about me. Actually only one does --- a person who gets me despite my past and my short comings and choses to love me, my history, my heart and soul fully. Besides that only a select one or two others truly know the inner beatings of my heart and my history.
If I did write a book of my life, first who would read it? Not sure. And how would I get published? And how could I face the friends who said HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME?! Etc... and some information would be shocking to some and I don't know if I am okay with everyone knowing my true inner-being... I mean, I don't know if I (emphasize I) am okay with me, you know? Nonetheless, I think it would be a huge task and a rewarding one at that.
So, I decided I would share a little something about myself. Some people wonder why the hell I have such low self esteem. Well, here it goes.
My childhood was hard, as many children's are. I was that kid who towered over everyone else- I am sure every grade in every generation has one of these kids, but only ONE.
I was one foot taller than most of my classmates for about a year, and I was the tallest of my grade until the sixth grade. I just grew so much that I was the giant of the class. I never really saw myself as the giant back then, but I look back in pictures and am just amused, to say the least.
Looking back, I was just tall and huge, but now I would just say that I was simply "above average". But you can imagine how much I got teased. I got called every name in the book regarding height and/or weight. I got Heffer, Chubby Checkers, Fat, chunky, etc. The list goes on. The irony (if I can call it that) is that this was just not in one particular time in my life.
The first time I remember someone talking negative about my body was in the fourth grade- and hold up people - I am using NAMES! Not to degrade them personally or anything, but everyone needs to realize that words are powerful. When YOU (personally) spread KINDNESS YOU don't remember but most definitely the receiver does. I don't just remember the bad names, I remember the good, too! (I actually have a book of compliments that people have given me.)
The same scenario goes with negative comments. Can't we all just spread kindness? Now, I am not saying I was the best kid ever. I remember many things that still haunt me today. {One was towards one of my now best friends and she definitely knows what I am talking about. I think it actually haunts me more than it haunts her. She just laughs, where I still, to this day, feel bad.} So, yes, I wish I could take back things I did and/or said. I was teased, and therefore I was the bully. It's the cycle, isn't it?! A girl bully, can you imagine? ha
Okay, back to fourth grade... Josh Maurstad called me TO MY FACE "Chubby Checkers". In seventh grade, Austin Roley called me a Heffer. I remember commenting and saying "EXCUSE ME?" And he repeated himself, explaining what the word meant. Yeah, not like I didn't know what that meant, I just thought I misheard him, you know? I like to give people the benefit of the doubt if at all possible. Unfortunately, this was not a case in point.
I was absolutely crushed. He also made a comment on how I would break the chair. Now, I wasn't THAT big, but in comparison to everyone else, I was an effin' giant!
Then when I was 13, my grandma called me fat. This is where I use incomplete sentences to prove my point.
To my face. In front of my whole family. Including my grandpa. I remember where, when and what I was doing. I remember what shirt I was wearing. I remember that I was in mid-bite of ice cream (fitting, really?!). Literally, that was even more crushing than some brat calling me not a nice word.
You can see why I am someone who needs positive reinforcement?
Even last winter, my grandma brought up that I gained weight when I "looked so good and you had to gain weight back. Why did you do that?"... no, it's not like I TRIED to gain weight back or WANTED to gain weight back or anything.
As I say, everyone from back home knows the fat me and then saw me transform myself into a thinner, healthier person... everyone here remembers me at my smallest and just has seen me GAIN weight. I hope it's not karma trying to bite me in my ass (literally!). It sucks!
I took care of the sweetest (depending on the time) old man for about four years. I called him Grandpa. About four years ago (in my much fatter days), he called me fat every day for a week. I was shocked. He had always been so nice. EVERY DAY. That is five days in a row. Finally, Friday came and I couldn't take it. I cried. I even, for once, stood up to those negative comments and said that "words hurt" even when you are trying to help (in some weird and twisted way! Again, benefit-of-the-doubt mentality). He eventually apologized. I accepted. I forgave. BUT I have not forgotten. I guess these comments have shaped me? [Round is a shape, right?!]
Of course after the first time he said something (or any time anyone ever says something like that) I eventually cry, sometimes sooner than I would like. There is nothing like giving someone gratification for your sorrows. I pretend to be strong, but you guys can see through that...
So, as this was brought up to Bud1 today (it was relevant in the conversation though!), he said yeah kids can be really mean! Then I said to him: "now you maybe can understand why I have low self-esteem."
Then something unexpected happened.
Where such small words make a world of difference.
Where I DO NOT FORGET.
And this usually happens without expectation. (Even better, right?)
Three words: "well, you shouldn't."
I was put in my place.
It's hard to transform images and verbal feedback from so many years.
Which brings me to state that my boyfriend is great. He continually compliments me, tells me I am crazy if I make a comment, etc. It's stupid of me, I know, to say or think things like "well he's my boyfriend and he has to say that"... but I also tease him (or about him) and say that he has "love goggles" on... the equivalent to "beer goggles".
<--- Fitting? lol
And, believe it or not, I have much higher self-esteem than I used to. I am taking it one day at a time, but that inner voice is so overbearing sometimes that it won't shut up.
I am one of those girls who walks by a mirror, looks at it and scoffs. I try not to, but it is something that I have done for YEARS.
Case in point: our sixth grade class trip I was at a buffet in the twin cities and I didn't realize there were mirrors. It was one of those oblivious moments I know we all have. It's funny, I didn't realize it was me in the mirror. Before I recognized myself, I judged this foreign person with a statement like: "wow, she's huge." [Again, very fitting while at a BUFFET!!]
Another reason why I make jokes. They're really not jokes about my body, they're outspoken insecurities. And I don't like pity, so why do I do it then? Another mystery, really.
So, now, I try to positive self-talk, but most of the time and very often that stupid voice that won't shut up, go away or one that I cannot ignore says: "why are you trying to convince yourself that THAT looks good?"
It's an everyday occurrence. And it's something that I am actively trying to change about myself. I admire those out there that are completely okay with themselves and their bodies. (One in particular, is that best friend who I hurt oh so many years ago. I admire you and I always have.)
What's it feel like to be confident? I would like to know. Then I look at girls and I think completely opposite things like "why can't I look like her? or that's cute, etc." Sometimes I say those things to my beau and he says something like "you're smaller than her"... No, really? Is that true or are these the "love goggles" talking again?!
Okay, that was an extremely long post. Hope you enjoyed it anyway!
Much love, readers!
And thanks for comments! I ENJOY AND APPRECIATE THEM!!
