[Couldn't decide on ONE title--- I usually have problems picking ONE.]

"Say goodnight to the light of the setting sun
One more day, one more way
Of keeping track of all I've done

I run this race, keep this pace
I'm doing fine
And I won't stop until each box
Gets checked a second time
[Feeling that I don't check enough boxes...]

And life becomes the round and round
Revolving door that won't slow down
It won't slow down
[I feel like I can't decipher one day from the next...]

Do You wish, do You want us to breathe again?
Say goodbye to the lines that we've colored in
Brown and gray from day to day
Do You cry, do You hope for all things made new?
Try and try to invoke us to live in You
That we might be the hands and feet of this mystery

This routine is nice and clean from dawn to dusk
I rise and rest, I do my best
When will it ever be enough?
[Good question...]

And life becomes the bigger noise
Drowning out Your little voice
Your little voice, Jesus
[And forget what It is all about... which saddens me...]

Do You wish, do You want us to breathe again?
Say goodbye to the lines that we've colored in
Brown and gray from day to day
Do You cry, do You hope for all things made new?
Try and try to invoke us to live in You
That we might be the hands and feet of this mystery

We take stock, and we punch the clock
And we make sure all those zeros have balanced in the end

Do You wish, do You want us to breathe again?
Say goodbye to the lines that we've colored in
Brown and gray from day to day
Do You cry, do You hope for all things made new?
Try and try to invoke us to live in You
That we might be the hands and feet of this mystery"
~Mystery by Nicole Nordeman

ARG. This is the time where I am supposed to write a weekly. I feel like I have NOTHING. I don't know where the last week went. He said something to a group member about weekly reports, so I don't feel so bad when he asked me the other week. BUT I NEED TO SEND ONE. The only person to have sent one is the first year... then the big Asian just sent one but said "nothing worked" and etc etc etc. I just feel like it is going nowhere and that is super depressing. This weekend I didn't feel well at all. I had the worst headache ever and slept A LOT. Even last night I slept for 10 hours and WOKE UP TIRED. I don't know what my problem is...

I can't believe it is already the fall semester. Summer went by SO fast... it always does after Independence day. That is very sad. I had all of these lofty goals that never happened. ARG, now the semester is starting again. It is... depressing.

What is even worse... well, probably not--- I am just dramatic. I really thought that I would be more successful regarding weight loss than I have been this summer. I am essentially where I started at in December. I was 188 before the fourth. Then on August 8th I was 189.5 ... weighed myself today and I am 195. I could scream. Not because I know I can't do it. I just need some will power. It bothers me because I know I can do it but I am NOT doing it. I have been eating like crap AND haven't worked out since Wednesday... the combination just makes me upset and feel bad about myself. I feel like my rolls are just hanging out all over the place. I looked at my "before and after" photos [seen in my pictures here] and I looked at my before and really thought that I look like that now. Then I thought negative thoughts like "I don't think I can ever get back to the "after" photos." I am just aggravated. I know HOW to do it BUT I am NOT doing it.

This is it. I am fed up...

I don't tell my mother a lot of things that I do. She knows who I am about, but she doesn't know about things... UNTIL AFTERWARDS.

My mom is deathly afraid of heights. She stands in at a little below five feet (she swears osteoporosis is setting in) and whenever she goes on the first rung of the ladder her knees start to shake. I swear if she was my height, she would be afraid to look down.

When I was in Switzerland, I went paragliding. I didn't tell her when I called her from Europe. I didn't tell her when I got back. I told her by showing pictures and her putting the pieces together.

I toured Kentucky for grad school in April 2006. The lady sitting next to me on my 4/4 flights to Lexington was Chinese. She didn't seem to realize what is rude and what isn't... she had her seat all the way back even when told to put it up on take-off. I politely told her and we struck up conversation. I didn't have a ride to my hotel, yet could have gotten a taxi. Her husband (and baby daughter) had planned on picking her up and she offered to drop me off as she insisted it was on their way.

While on this trip, I had a full day to myself (or so I thought until later and Krystal was amazing to me) so I decided I would go to a vineyard that I had looked up before leaving. It was 20 miles out of the way and I had to pay about $35 to get out there. The cabbie was WEIRD, to say the least. It was a very awkward 30-40 minute cab ride. We passed a penitentiary, we took gravel roads, we saw many fields. I was freaked out, yes, especially when he asked me what I was doing there and I told him a buzz word he thought he knew: "organic chemistry". He replied: "oh, so you smoke?"... heh, yeah THAT is what I meant. He also told me that Kentucky and the "blue fields" changes women. Okay, buddy.

Finally, we were at our destination. I paid him and thanked him. He gave me his card "so I could call him to pick me back up".

I arrived on a Sunday and knew that there was a band playing at this vineyard along with an outside wine-tasting. I struck up conversation with this gentlemen next to me. I had a little too much wine, I would say. I bought the "trifecta" Kentucky Derby collection and drank more wine. This gentleman, who was also alone, sat next to me at the table. He was very nice yet didn't know him from Adam or whatever the saying is...

He offered to take me back into Lexington as he knew I took a cab. I told him that he didn't have to and that was out of his way. He said it was "on his way" anyway. I got into his pickup and we were off. Probably not the brightest thing I ever have done. A) complete stranger who b) had been drinking. Oh, well. I am still alive! ... and whatever (or whoever) doesn't kill you makes you stronger. ha

Not two minutes into our drive he said my name and said "my first serious girlfriend had that name"... she cheated on him and they broke it off. Then he told me he was gay... while immediately saying he "doesn't tell anyone that" [I assume strangers he was speaking of] and kind of shook his head in astonishment that the wine made him do it. haha. Well, he ended up taking me all over town showing me the sights and I got a picture with him. Very nice. He dropped me off around supper time and I offered him $20 for his troubles. For me, I had fun and I saved $15 in the process AND it was like he was my own personal tour guide. I still keep in contact with him.

The reason I bring all of this up is last night as I was coming home I had to stop at Walgreen's, which is on the way anyway. As I was getting out of the car, this teenage "boy" asked me how to get to the stadium. I said "it's like three miles THAT way". He said, oh really? And then before I realized what I was saying I said: "I can give you a ride". WHAT THE HECK?! I made some comment like if my boyfriend found out, he would kill me --- if you don't first! He laughed. He got in my car and we drove away. He had clearly been drinking and really didn't want to say much when I asked if he went to college (he was visiting a friend). He said "no". I asked him if he had just graduated (I got that vibe) and said yes. I gave him the third degree about why not go to college and if you don't go now you might never go, etc. He said he might start a business. I said well, why not have a sure-bet, something to fall back on? He said "yes, I was thinking that or the navy." I said, that would be good --- you could retire when you're 40! He thanked me profusely and introduced himself and I said "no worries. Go to college." It was 20 minutes out of my way, but afterwards I felt better knowing this drunk CHILD didn't have to walk 3 miles. However, I wouldn't recommend anyone doing this, so why do I? I guess I just like to live on the wild side. Hmm...

This is to my running partner.

We ran sprints and we rocked it. I tried to give her head starts and things so I wouldn't feel behind. I ran the opposite way, etc. It worked out. The last time I did this I ran them under 4 and this time I wanted to run them under 3:30... I did that until the last which was 3:38 ... but it was 3 warm up laps (5.33 laps per mile), 1 sprint, 1 walk x3; 2 sprint, 1 walk x 7. Comes to about 5.5 miles ran in 65 minutes --- avg. hr 142... 30 above zone, 20 in and 20 below. That means recovery is good.

You're a sucker ONLY because I told you to do it in 3:00... therefore, you only competed with yourself. tehe. I told you I was eveeeeeil. But, it's good because I didn't feel behind and she had a goal I set for her. The last time I did 8 of the 2 x sprints and the fastest I did it in was 3:35 and the slowest was 4:05 but the average was about 3:45-3:50 ... improving! Yessssssssssssss!!!

Also, don't feel bad. You have long legs. I have a long torso. I tell myself that she has an advantage by having a 37" inseam... and I tell myself that we would be the same IF I had long legs. NOW, I don't know if that is true, but it makes me feel better. Mwah.

Life, as we know it, is and continues to always be unwritten. I guess it is up to us to color in those blank pages. Its up to us- we can color outside the lines, color in black and white, color in crayons or stencils or chalk or charcoal. I feel like I need to remember this right now. That and that I need to continue to *live while still feeling like I am limbo. We really never know what will happen. Cherish your loved ones. Tell them what they mean to you. Spend time with them. Give them an extra hug. Call them when you think of them. If you think something nice of someone, tell them.
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[I will be changing gears a lot today.]
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I actually feel like the last two days have been really productive for me. I really don't want to curse it... but it's a really nice feeling... for once. Hey, I only waited until the last week of summer. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. School. Booo. Besides, third year is going to be ridiculously hectic, hard and I will most likely hate my life even more. Blah.
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Well, as for me, I shouldn't write about half the stuff that I do. But that is me. I am blunt. I am honest. I tell people how it is. But there are some things I chose not to write about to offend people. Now, I only give this disclaimer NOW because there is something that is on my heart... and it is heavy on my heart... and the person it is regarding is my "sister" who is pregnant and emotional. Well, I didn't "advertise" this before, but... okay, here comes a story.

So about a month ago, my "sister" called me freaking out about something. It was a very hectic time for me and she just laid it on me. I didn't care that it was a hectic time- a lot of times seem to be hectic for me... that or I am just a drama queen sometimes. Anyway, she was so worried that I would never talk to her again. Well, the church that she attends was the only church that would marry her under the circumstances so she feels like she is obligated to abide by their desires. Anyway, about a month before this happened she was told by her pastor that only Godparents that are couples can be Godparents if they are married. I had to tell C that he no longer would be a Godparent. Only saying that we have been together than most marriages last, but "whatever". [Did I tell you that he is one of the most laid back people I know???] Well, fast forward one month and she tells me that only family members are allowed to be Godparents. Not going to lie, I was very disappointed. I always knew I would be a Godparent to one of her kids. We are very close and nothing would come between that... I don't care if God didn't make us blood sisters, but for all intents and purposes we are related. She loves me; I love her. She loves me wholeheartedly with all of my imperfections. Let's get this straight: I was not mad. I know she feels obligation to this church... I would, too. BUT, the little kid inside me says "aih so not fair". Ever since then, I really haven't talked to her much. Not because of anything... just because we have been busy. I would like to talk more, but I am grateful that my friends understand my schedule from hell. I would like to think that time will not separate us. I feel slighted, yes. I asked her today if she found my replacement. She did. Again, the little kid in me wants to be like "how's second best?"... but, I can't do that. I would also like to think that I am mature "adult". So needless to say this is the first that anyone besides sir C knows of this. I kept calling her my "babyGodmama" ... well, until now. Now everyone knows the truth. Maybe I am mad. But I am only mad at the Pastor. "only couples"... 11 years, sir?!... only blood relatives... I am closer with my "sister" than my sister. Take that, sir. What am I going to tell this child? Yes, before you were born I was named your Godmother? I am not technically your Godmother since I didn't go to your baptism? ... or nothing? I guess, it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that the child will be loved.

... I guess she could make it up to me by naming her after me! ...
... [Haven't quite convinced her of this yet.] ...

Okay, I feel better now... it only took me over a month to write about it...
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Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
Twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty-four drop outs
At the end of the day
*Life is not what I thought it was*
Twenty-four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty-four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty-four strong

See I'm not copping out, not copping out, not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty-four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four-parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

--- Switchfoot's "Twenty-four" ---

Just my mood right now...