Mostly 4 mO.

If you're not interested don't read.

This past week I have been studying my little tuckas off. I had to learn a brand new subject. I should know organometallic chemistry anyway... but I learned a new subject and it was interesting. Luckily, I have good people in my life who will go out of their ways to help me. The ironic thing MIGHT be that the first years get a free Cume and so I could have taken the chance to get a "free" a. But with my track record with this dude's cumes and tests--- well, let's just say that it's not good. And I was 1/7 for passing organic cumes anyway, so it is the definite chance that I took for taking inorganic chemistry. I made my bed, and whatever the outcome, I will have to lie in it and be okay with my decision. I don't know if it is a good thing or not that out of seven taking this test, I was the only one that didn't take his class pertaining to organometallic chemistry. We'll just have to see. I guess big Italiano likes to be an ass and said "I saw the test and thought that you would have to kill yourself", implying that it was really easy. I swear, stop doing that to me. I already made the decision because I thought it would be my best bet. Moving on...

I was discriminated against last week. The same guy who's cume I took, asked me to be on a committee for selecting a new faculty member. Well, "they" rejected me. I am not diverse enough, not token enough, too white. Yeah, okay, I get it, I am Norwegian.

On the subject of my health. I am finally on that medication that causes drowsiness, dizziness, temporary dementia, and clumsiness (all of which are things I already have)--- I started taking it and my stomach no longer hurts. Really a good thing. But! I feel so groggy and out of it and just lethargic and I have MORE of all of those other side effects. It's great, really. (SarcasM.) I still have not delved into the research like I need to. I am so TIRED. SO TIRED.

I have more to talk about... like how my f-ing tutees who meet together, are BOTH late. How rude. And my head is spinning. I can't handle myself right now. AND f-n students are bothering me when I am not on duty. Yeah, I guess I am an f-n wealth of org knowledge.

Maybe I should tell them that I persistently flunk cumes...

You ever hear people dying of broken hearts? It’s that physical ache that one gets when something doesn’t go just right. Today I experienced this feeling, as I have many times before. I keep praying to my Lord and Savior to just guide me in the right direction. Looking back on the many times I have felt this horrible feeling, it was in God’s plan. And don’t get me wrong; I don’t believe God is a vindictive deity. It’s just in those times He has something else in your plan. To me, this has got to be the rainbow after a storm. Once the storm has clouded YOUR vision, you think that was thee way things should have turned out or what YOU see as your path. But then you come to the realization that, in fact, God is, after all, GOD--- bearer of all good things holy and true, the all-knowing, all-powerful, and right 100% of the time. His error rate is 0.0000000000 to the nth degree.

I tried my hardest on the last cume. I got it today and as I trudged down those never-ending three flights of stairs I just kept saying to myself “don’t be disappointed; you tried your hardest; you tried your hardest; you tried your hardest; you did your best”. I opened up the sealed envelope what I felt that would determine my fate. Okay, I TEARED (pardon the pun) it open. I saw that proverbial “C” staring back at me. In grad school, a C is failing in all respects. I loathe the feeling of failure. However, failing in grad school has a consolation prize: masters. It may just be in God’s plan. He knows what’s best for me and I need to recognize that. In that, I am not saying that I am giving up.

I need an A for the next cume. It’s a stretch, but that doesn’t mean I am giving up. Yes, I am broken hearted. Yes, I feel like a failure. Yes, I am sad. In fact, Bud1 asked me today what was wrong as I was not bantering with him. I said “I got a C”. I should have written it down, because at the moment I muttered “I”, I felt I was tearing up. He said, “You didn’t make it?” I had to leave class and cry in the bathroom. Keep in mind, I am in a class with 15 men who see me as just another “guy”. I tried to cover up my face with my beautiful brown hair ;). Once, I got my composure, I came back but as I sat down, I just felt the overwhelming feeling of failure, of my heart breaking. I just am so… disheartened.

I told my boyfriend about this. He is so supportive and truly my biggest fan. He kept saying that I am amazing; I am smart; and that he could never go through this.

But, one step after the other, I need to go on. I have a test on Wednesday and I really, really, really DON’T want to get the low score, AGAIN. Shake it, J. Shake it. Let’s hope I don’t shank it.

P.S. How embarasing that I am at the coffee shop, letting the breeze go through my hair and dry the tears off of my face. It's a beautiful night, at least.

P.P.S. How ironic is it that one of my friends called this morning and she said SHE was dying of a broken heart. Over what?! Chemistry. Yep, so I buy her a present and a card just to brighten her day, which, in turn, does cheer me up, too. Oh, LIFE.

Well, today my workout buddy and I met out at the gym. I worked out for 20 min. I thought that's better than nothing as I haven't done any physical activity for three weeks! We'll see what the G.I. says on Wednesday... hope my readers are grrrrrrreat! And have a HAPPY EASTER!

so I went to the ER yesterday. Spent five hours there... they gave me 1L saline, some morphine, some tests. I have a gall bladder functioning test on Monday at 7 am. I wish I could have gotten in today... not feeling tooooo hot...

I went to my (a real) Dr. yesterday. He actually ran some blood tests unlike the le stupide medicin at the health center. He said that it could be two things: an ulcer or my gall bladder. You see, every woman on my mom's side has gotten their gall bladder out so I would say that I am a tad, wee bit predisposed. The blood tests were still within normal ranges for BOTH an ulcer and gall bladder problems and all of my symptoms can be caused by either, so he decided to treat me empirically. I admire that; I am a scientist. So I am taking the "purple pill" aka Nexium. Me being the person I am, I found out that Nexium is the S enantiomer whereas Prilosec is the same drug except the racemate. The thing is Prilsec is over the counter and Nexium isn't, BUT the R (inactive) isomer gets converted in the stomach to the S (active) enantiomer. Ah, isn't chemistry amazing?! So, I will try it and currently don't know what to think about all of this, because I am still in a lot of pain and it was weird cuz I woke up this morning (while not have had anything to eat for 10+ hours) and my stomach was hurting... delayed pain = gall bladder ?? Not sure. I just want to get better and start working out again. The sad thing is that I can't have:
1) caffeine (I usually have 1-2 diet drinks a week along with 1-2 lattes)
2) mints
3) alcohol (again no worries)
4) chocolate (WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH it's a staple of my diet! I have something with chocolate every day... sniffle)
5) juices

I guess I will just have to wear the structure of chocolate shirt from DG.