Sorry for my absence. I have been sick. Hate student health. Haven't worked out since last Thursday--- hurts after I eat/ drink ANYTHING; hungry all of the time (cuz I am not eating); have no energy (cuz I am not eating); haven't worked out (cuz I have no energy because I am not eating); lost weight (cuz I am not eating). bla... SO TIRED. HUNGRY. AND HAVE STUFF TO DO.

D.G... hope you are having fun in the Sunshine State. One particular Cornhusker misses you!

... since Perkins... yesterday was my birthday, and I was studying, but the boy got me a dq cake- he knows how to get to my heart . ha. Need to eat better... I swear I have gained five pounds since Thursday. I will do better tomorrow!! Sniffle. This is hard! ha.

i ran and ran and ran and ran today. didn't have time to work out, and ate NOT good (but it was free food!). blah.

and I am hurting... (tooo much fooood)

Okay, so I ran my four miles today in forty-three minutes. I swear, it must be some sort of a record! I really wanted to run five, but I was in a time crunch. And honestly, I didn't feel bad afterwards! I got to run the first mile or so with a tutee and it was waaaay better than doing it alone! YAY!

So, again with the no research, yet much needed. But me and one of my best guy friends here headed to the coffee shop. He worked on a presentation (the lucky --- well, smart --- bastard is done with cumes) while I slaved away at trying to figure out freaking RhI to RhIII mechanisms. Why do I feel it is just sooooo much different than Pd chemistry, which I am semi used to?! Yet, I slaved away at Cu chemistry which is even WORSE than rhodium chemistry... oh, well. So, the best thing about my night is that I was not in the lab (yet, still doing chemistry) was that my OTHER equally best guy bud was also at the coffee shop. He was tutoring and he is some mack dad when it comes to the ladies. It's so funny to see him at work. We were at a booth and he'd just say "LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM!" It was the best thing ever. The tutee went to the br and I occupied her spot to get my usually jabs in. She came back and as I walk back to our booth, I hear him saying basketball and her and she, etc. etc. --- I hear him talking about me, well, my paranoia tells me that. So after she leaves, he comes and joins us and I asked did you talk about me?! He said, yeah I told her THAT basketball story. It's a funny story, let me tell you. I am the butt of many of their jokes but it's great all the same. I click better with guys. I am more like a dude than anything. Tomboyish, don't enjoy caddiness, and just generally have more in common with guys. To them, I am one of the guys and I actually enjoy it. It's nice being the woman that you know is just a friend and nothing more. They are the brothers I never had and as one says, "the sister, well, brother, I never had".

He apparently also told MORE "classic" stories about me, because apparently the tutee is also a tom boy so he told of my tractor pulling days with my dad in which we have in common that we are both the sons our fathers never had. It's a nice feeling being incorporated like that.

Bud1 was working on his presentation while Bud2 (also done with his cumes!) helped me decipher mechanisms. In the meantime, there is also a lot of the usual banter and laughing and sharing (after a lot of them they just say "oh, Judes" and laugh, actually which Bud1 likes to refer to me as Juds (like suds). He sits by me in class and always rights that on my paper)--- like I swear, our cheeks and stomachs hurt because we laughed A LOT. LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE. It really is that male bonding experience that guys say they need. That's this. I have not laughed this hard or had this much fun in ... I can't even remember how long. It's three thirty in the morning and I was just happy for the first time in a very long time --- so happy that I wanted to document this because I knew I couldn't get off of my (non-chemical) high without writing about this.

We transferred to Perkins (I didn't eat great today) and enjoyed the drunk 2 am crowd where people probably thought that WE were the ones who were drinking. As we were driving home, Bud1 says I love nights like these because when the three of us get together, we have so many one liners or things that "Juds" says we can just have inside jokes with. Then they repeated something that I said, and I told them nothing beats then I will repeat what I thought the most funny thing I said was. Do you know how great it feels to have OTHER people think you're funny... when usually I am the only one laughing WITH myself?! ha. I needed this... really bad. The three musketeers! I said that earlier and they both laughed while giving me weird looks, yet they know it's true. So, they DO NOT read this (there is a reason for it) but they secretly know that I am thanking them for this night. <--- so me right now --->

As I was finishing my last post, I was talking to my mom and she said oh we won't be able to come visit in March (like their yearly thing, I guess) then she passed it to my dad, and I told him that after a year of not talking to my sister, I called her. I said, dad, I tried. I called her last January NUMEROUS times and she never called back THEN she told my mom that I DID NOT CALL AND that she CALLED ME! She is so flippin manipulative it's ridiculous! So, I made sure to tell my dad that I called her and that I hadn't heard anything back (big shocker). He said okay I will tell her to call you. I said, "Dad, what's better SHE DOES NOT call me on her own or at 26.5 years old, she has to call her sister because her dad TOLD HER TO?! Yes, she's two, I know." It's so frustrating. I try, I try to "mend" a relationship that I only tried to have and she is the one that never answered my calls, then she made ME out to be the ... what was the word I used with my dad? ... MENACE ... NO DAD I AM THE VICTIM and that's the story.

Period.

... and that she didn't call when I had surgery and was out for two weeks, she didn't call me on my birthday or even after I left numerous messages last January BUT she has the nerve to give me a Christmas present???? (which, yeah, ask me about!)

I just get so worked up (passionate, right Crissy?!) that I am basically yelling this but of course not at my dad. And he's so timid and nice and just listens and agrees with me. My dad is obsessed with heat and heat bills (they have a large house and it's always like 62 in the winter (MN winter) so yeah, he's a heat nazi... anyway they got a new heater and I swear I have heard about this the last eight times we have talked. ha. Then my mom was like (in the background) we'll have to come visit this summer, at least. And dad said, probably next December (what's the point, I go home in December!?) because of gas and heat and etc.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. My bday is soon. I will spend it studying. I just want to have a piece of F-ING cake with all my loved ones on my birthday. Like when we were younger and made a big deal out of birthdays--- I don't care about the big deal, I care about the people I spent them with. I don't want to worry about money like my parents do. They aren't getting any younger and they don't have the $400 to spent on gas to come see me. I don't want to live like this--- I want to spend time with them NOW before it's too late.

SO, back to the eternal question of AM I MAKING THE right SACRIFICE BY DOING WHAT I AM DOING?