my last post was a "hit".

I could tell by the minute that one of you guys read my post. I pretty much got phone calls all morning.

SO...

a) thank you for the concern and love.
b) I felt MUCH better when I talked to YOU this morning followed by a mini-coffee session with another.
c) I need to add that I felt MUCH better after I wrote. I just need to "verbalize" what I am thinking to make *myself feel better. Sorry to freak everyone out.

Which brings me to the conclusion that I have wonderful friends. And not *that many people know about this "kept secret". Just people I trust... and strangers.

I have been in contact with one of my favorite blogs. I don't have her permission to tell you what it is, but it's a fantastic blog about pregnancy. She's just so dang honest that it is admirable. She is brave and carefree and she doesn't even realize it.

Which brings me to points that I am impacted deeply on positive reinforcement and it just makes me feel all "warm and fuzzy". I wrote to her awhile ago introducing myself and she responded so positively. I responded to her last post (I love when people recognize and post comments) and she replied back saying that I am one of her most "encouraging reader friends". So sweet.

Then on to Cf, whom I just told about this blog today (only the second male that I have told!! --- that's HUGE for me!). I don't "know" him, ie we've never met but its very enjoyable chatting with him... all thanks to fb! ha. We have the same name, yet no relation. He gives me positive feedback and I don't even think he knows the impact.

It seems that "thank you" is too little for everyone who cares for me and checks up on me, even though pretty much all of you (with very little margin of error) are in a far-away land!

I might add that I started this blog to help me in my weight-loss, which we all realize has been a fiasco! ha. Well, I will continue to fight "the good fight". But now it seems this blog serves a different purpose... for my friends to catch up with me without "catching up with me".

So THANK YOU. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! STOP LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER--- IT IS *YOU!!!

On the health-front...

didn't want to do ANYTHING today. Swam for 45 minutes. 3/4 of a mile.

I sit here with many things running through my mind at a disastrous speed.

I have tried to write a blog post for a couple of days now, but I couldn't actually write... anything.

I should not be doing THIS right now. I am waiting for stuff in the lab, but in all honesty I could be doing *something besides this, but as I said a lot is on my mind.

My sis is prego with my Godbaby...

which I am SO happy about.

But, when did I get to be of the age where I am able to have a Godbaby?! OR that everyone around me is either:

a) Engaged
b) Married
c) Expecting
d With children...

And it doesn't help that my babyGodmama (haha that's funny) writes that her girl is turning 2 and that she's lucky to spend time with her before she's all grown up.

SIGH.

Oh, how I hate when my great friends throw reality at me.

It's true.

My mom told me that my dad told my mom that he can't believe that "my baby girl is already 25".

I don't know... I guess it's just me in a funk right now. Today is me and the boy's 10 year 10 month anniversary. And THAT is not putting me in a funk. I find it NUTS though. How 10 years can just go by with a blink of an eye. I know I talk about this a lot, but I just can't comprehend it.

Then I talk to friends who I feel don't really support my decision in grad school. But I don't think they find it negative. I feel that they only want me to be happy and they don't see me in that light right now. My good friend asked me today how many years left and I said well for a masters it'll be about 1 year and for a PhD 3-4 MORE years and she said I HOPE YOU GET THE MASTERS! Then I said well it just seems like yesterday I got here so that means TWO years have gone by, right? Hopefully if I stay here it goes like that, too. She agreed and said "that's true."

It's just LIFE is TOO SHORT.

People die young ALL OF THE TIME.

Would I spend my life here if I knew I would be dead in 2 years. Absolutely not.

Would I spend my life here if I knew I would be dead in 25 years.
Yes, maybe so.

But reality hits. [Thank you, Friends.] And then you realize you DO NOT KNOW your own expiration date. Period.

Would I live my life different if I *did know it? Yes. So, why? Does that mean I am not living it how I should? Yes, maybe.

I would take more risks.
I would hope that I wouldn't be afraid of certain people, of things.
I would hug more (I LOVE HUGS).
I would appreciate the small things more.
I would let people know how I felt.

I WOULD STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES... because soon those roses will be dead.

I don't know, I just always felt that someday I would die of cancer. This is such a morbid thought, I know (even before I knew I would become a chemist I thought this). I never really could picture myself "old". Yet, I can picture myself with the love of my life. And this is NOT a normal thought to think the following thing (I tell you my psyche is ALL JACKED UP!): ... well, death is a part of life and life is a part of death. So, inevitably we will know many close friends, relatives, loved ones, parents, sisters, brothers ... die. And sometimes I just picture myself in that situation. AND I HATE THAT. IT IS SO DAMN DEPRESSING.

I don't want to be that person who realizes that "this person died" and the last thing I said to them was not very nice. I didn't say I love you "one last time".

AND I even thought I would start writing letters to loved ones and maybe when they became "outdated" I would give them away and write new ones. Because what's life without appreciating others?!

Yet, with EVERYTHING WE ALWAYS WANT MORE...

10 more minutes of sleep.
10 more minutes of snuggling with your loved ones.
10 more minutes talking to your Pops.
1 more scoop of ice cream.
10 more days of vacation.
10 more "I love yous" or "thank yous"...
So... when is it *enough*? EVER? Is *it ever ENOUGH?

......................................................................

Hell, yeah I have lived my life. But I would have changed some things here or there.

I am privileged.

Privileged to have the loving, hard working parents I do.
Privileged to have the friends I have.
Privileged to feel appreciated.
Privileged to see God's portraits...
.......... to hear thunder...
.......... to smell freshly cut grass...
.......... to speak my mind...
.......... to taste Lefse and Kolaches.
Privilgeed to have gone to Europe... not once, but TWICE (and yet, of course I want to go back).

Yeah, I have always said I don't want to be a "townie"... someone who was born, lived and died all in the same town. But, I want more time with my family, yet I want to succeed in my life and so I am throwing myself out *here* in the hopes of surviving. And I will. Even though I have doubts, which isn't that natural?

......................................................................

Then I think about how C pretty much saved my life. I was only 14 when I met him, but I was absolutely SMITTEN. He made me laugh, love, cry, appreciate, miss. He's my one and only, my first love, my high school sweetheart, my soul mate, my only love. Some people wait their whole lifetime and don't even find "it". He puts up with my craziness, my messiness, my absentmindedness, my idiosyncrasies, my carefree and wild ways, my neurotic tendencies, my low self-esteem and image. He lifts my spirits, he makes me laugh, he sheds truth and honesty, he is my rock and is my constant encouragement for ... life's goings, he is my number one supporter. It's amazing to think that someone can care for me *that* much. For him to actually believe that I am the most beautiful girl in the world. And, readers, that's not b.s... he actually MEANS it.

AND THAT is why it is SO odd thinking that someone ELSE of the opposite sex could think that *I am attractive. I know this guy who ALWAYS pulls lines on me. It's funny. They are just lines and I call him on it, but he always calls me "pretty lady". Then I got a really good compliment from a guy friend of mine... he saw some pics on facebook that I just put up and his words: "you look great!" ... and 3 guys in the last 2 weeks have checked me out. As it is flattering, I *always* just think that they do it because they are appalled or that they do it to everyone or... whatever. I just need to get away with the mentality that I am *not the most hideous person in the world and *someone *may find me *attractive.

I sit here just laughing at that. That is so foreign to me. Not gonna lie, it almost makes me sick. I am not even joking. Because there is that part of me where it is *not a fine line or the fine line is not so fine... where I say things like the last paragraph to be positive but then I feel like a complete ... nincompoop.
_______________________________________________________________________

Okay, on to my health...

I went to ww on Saturday. What an effin' rude awakening. I did not gain 5 pounds, but EIGHT since last week as I am almost up to my recent high. Gosh, I just need to reevaluate. I need to stop being a fast food junkie. I need to stick to a calorie restriction. I need to plan ahead. I need to eat more fruits and vegetables. I need to not eat ice cream EVERY DAY. I need to restrain myself. I need to stop emotionally eating. I guess those are my goals right now. And I am going to start again with publicizing my weight. As much as I HATE that idea, I am forcing myself.

Highest adult weight 232. December 2004.
Weight before starting ww. 224. April 2005
"ending weight" 168. Feb 2006 (REACHED 172 SEPT 2005)
Lowest adult weight. 164. March 2006.
Weight November 2007. 198
Weight December 2007. 192
Weight January 2008. 182
Weight May 2008. 186
Weight June 2008. 188
Weight currently. 196.6 (OFFICIAL WEIGHT WATCHERS)
Weight goal: 175. I was at 182 FOR A LONG TIME THIS YEAR. It seems that was my "low" so as I get older I feel that it'll take longer to get to my ww goal (168, as it took 5 months to lose ~5 pounds).
Mini-goal: August 21st 182.

Days to goal: 38
Pounds to goal: 14.6

I will use the official weight watchers weigh in as my weight. Thanks to R for getting me to go back even though it makes me SICK!

A current photo... 05 July 2008 ... hopefully a "before" photo.

Seriously, I am beat.

My day in a nutshell... for those of you who are NEEDING to know. lol.

Woke up at 9. SO TIRED... 7 hours of sleep but with all of this training it is KILLING me! lol

My day consisted of:

6 hours of research not counting my 1 hour break.

Then I did repeat almost 800s... only cuz the track isn't a full 1/4 mile. I think I ROCKED it! That process took about 40 minutes (w/ 20 min warm up / stretching)... then I did something CRAZZZZZY! I played basketball for TWO hours! We didn't even look at the clock until 1.5 had passed!! Isn't that INSANE?! So, by thedailyplate calculations, I nearly burned 1700 cals (hey, traineo says close to that number, too!), but because I am DUMB and forgot my hr monitor (again), I don't know for sure, but I am guessing that it was AT LEAST 1400 cals! YIPPEEEEEEEE!

Then I tutored (only have tutored ONCE besides this THIS WHOLE SUMMER!)... unfortunately, it was for THREE hours... so I only got six solid hours of research in today. GRR. And I am tired and haven't accomplished NEARLY what I had hoped. I am so mad at myself right now!

I am OUT!

So, my shoulders, delts, abs, arms, and traps ALL hurt! But it's good. I feel the burn.

I brought my friend swimming. She is the one who ran with me the 10 mile day (after not running for FOREVER)... she's a stud, really. We ran yesterday. She told me that she used to be on a swimteam. So yeah she's a stud. It was great swimming with her because I ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH! I swam for 65 MINUTES! THAT IS CRAZY! And I was super tired. When I jumped out of the pool my legs were jell-o! So tomorrow let's rack that up to another sore part of my body! And the second day after is SO much worse so I am afraid of getting up in the morning! haha.

Tomorrow's agenda is 800 meter repeats and basketball for fun. So I hope to burn off those four (!) pounds that I have left that I "packed on"...

Here's to feeling good and doing good things for me and my body!! YAY!

A picture for you... taken after the 10K.



Oh, and I told my "sis" that I defn gained from last weekend. I said 5 pounds. I was wrong (just like she said!)... haha but you're wrong S, I gained FOUR! Geez.

Yet, I am feeling good! How ironic is that? Still super sore from yesterday--- tomorrow will be worse! Legs are nothing, just arms. I guess my legs are used to the running! Yay! But yeah I didn't want to burst my bubble aka still be in denial about my weight, because I have been feeling good when I wake up i.e skinny. But I guess when you're laying down and your hips are to one side it's easier to feel your hip bone!!! hahahahaha

Will update later... that'll be THREE posts in one day!

Loves!

P.S. I am trying to convince my "running-mate" to a 10K in Colorado... oh, the air might just kill us! Or lack thereof! But I am up for it! Let's see if she'll accept this challenge (I know you will!)