As I was finishing my last post, I was talking to my mom and she said oh we won't be able to come visit in March (like their yearly thing, I guess) then she passed it to my dad, and I told him that after a year of not talking to my sister, I called her. I said, dad, I tried. I called her last January NUMEROUS times and she never called back THEN she told my mom that I DID NOT CALL AND that she CALLED ME! She is so flippin manipulative it's ridiculous! So, I made sure to tell my dad that I called her and that I hadn't heard anything back (big shocker). He said okay I will tell her to call you. I said, "Dad, what's better SHE DOES NOT call me on her own or at 26.5 years old, she has to call her sister because her dad TOLD HER TO?! Yes, she's two, I know." It's so frustrating. I try, I try to "mend" a relationship that I only tried to have and she is the one that never answered my calls, then she made ME out to be the ... what was the word I used with my dad? ... MENACE ... NO DAD I AM THE VICTIM and that's the story.

Period.

... and that she didn't call when I had surgery and was out for two weeks, she didn't call me on my birthday or even after I left numerous messages last January BUT she has the nerve to give me a Christmas present???? (which, yeah, ask me about!)

I just get so worked up (passionate, right Crissy?!) that I am basically yelling this but of course not at my dad. And he's so timid and nice and just listens and agrees with me. My dad is obsessed with heat and heat bills (they have a large house and it's always like 62 in the winter (MN winter) so yeah, he's a heat nazi... anyway they got a new heater and I swear I have heard about this the last eight times we have talked. ha. Then my mom was like (in the background) we'll have to come visit this summer, at least. And dad said, probably next December (what's the point, I go home in December!?) because of gas and heat and etc.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. My bday is soon. I will spend it studying. I just want to have a piece of F-ING cake with all my loved ones on my birthday. Like when we were younger and made a big deal out of birthdays--- I don't care about the big deal, I care about the people I spent them with. I don't want to worry about money like my parents do. They aren't getting any younger and they don't have the $400 to spent on gas to come see me. I don't want to live like this--- I want to spend time with them NOW before it's too late.

SO, back to the eternal question of AM I MAKING THE right SACRIFICE BY DOING WHAT I AM DOING?

Tuesday I kinda of gormandized a bunch of girl scout cookies--- yeah that was great thinking after the gym: "man, I only burned off 3.5 girl scout cookies" (~300 calories). NOT worth it!!! Hear me out- I had SEVEN girl scout boxes under my desk... you are lucky I don't like thin mints that much to devour a whole row of them! I focused my eye on the peanut butter patties! ha. Okay, enough G.S. cookie talk! I did my sprints yesterday.

Today I did 45 min of cardio, and miraculously finished my weights in 15 min (I was in a time crunch, though) and skipped abs, but managed to burn about 530 calories. Not too shabby.

I am exhausted... have to study for the cume but have to please my boss. I CAN NOT WIN.

everyone left last night by like 830... and that's odd. I left at 10 to go to the gym for two hours. I burned ~930 calories in 1:40. It felt good for once. I started again w/ the protein recovery drink afterwards. It's been a LONG while (since prob. 8 months ago)... maybe it's just me but I wasn't sore this morning ... ? ...

Trying to be optimistic.

I have 7 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies under my desk. BAD! I have had 375 calories and 8 pts worth--- ENOUGH already! I am going to have to burn that off in the gym tonight (which might be difficult because it's my sprint day!)

More later...

1. As you know, didn't do great on seminar.
2. I failed my Synthesis test last Wednesday.
3. I was sick from pretty much W-Sunday.
4. I failed my last cume with a C.
5. I have another cume next Monday.
6. Because I was sick, I pretty much was a sloth all weekend.

Things are pretty much having to look up sometime soon, or I think I will go awol.

Hello readers...

Worked out today already. Hard workout. I didn't sleep a lot last night (again). Didn't study, either. Great (insert sarcasm). I met w/ my trainer... did 30 min on the treadmill. Crazy thing was that my HR was 160-170 the whole time and I WAS WALKING- at an incline of 15! Hard work. Then it was my arm day. It is ridiculous how sore my arms feel NOW- just typing! I still haven't studied. I am bad... procrastinating, tired, sore, sad. I woke up this morning and I was crying. I was just overwhelmingly ... sad. Luckily, the b/f gets up at the butt-crack of dawn, so I talked to him at told him how disappointed I am of myself for getting a B/B+ on my seminar. I just wanted more of myself. I am glad it's done, yes, but I feel like I just got the bare minimum and that sucks because I spent three + weeks on this topic (and more time on other failed topics ). And I have forsaken all else and it has consumed me. He made me feel better saying that he was proud of me and that he was going to brag me up to his parents saying I did well... and he said they grade hard, etc etc. It did make me feel better, but I was just so IN A FUNK. There I go again, having myself some never-ending-pity-party.

If any of you really know me, you know that I blush pretty easily. I blush (understatement- I get beet-red [and not the sugar kind]) when I am embarrassed, I blush when I am mad, I blush when I am angry, I blush sometimes when I am frustrated AND when I blush for the every reason BUT embarrassment, I GET embarrassed, which, in turn, MAKES ME MORE RED! It's frustrating. I have done better since I am pretty much around boys 22/6... But anyway, when I was talking to the guy who is in charge of seminar yesterday, my face just was feeling hotter and hotter. I wasn't embarrassed (UNTIL I turned red), and I have no idea WHY I did, maybe because I was so frustrated with myself/ my grade, etc. So, that adds to my unhappiness. All for now. It's 11:11- MAKE A WISH! I NEED to crack down... and ... study ... SAD!