I feel SO much better today!

Those 7.5 miles in two days wore me out!

And I was making up for the four hours of sleep last night... so I slept in! I FEEL GOOD RIGHT NOW! ACTUALLY RESTED! YIPEE!

AND even better. Last week I ONLY weighed myself TWICE! It was 193 and 191 (in Nov I started out at 197 and in January I got down to 182)... but anyway the week before that I was 189. I weighed myself today and it was 188! I was super jacked! :) It is SO much more gratifying seeing a HUGE jump like that (and NOT in the opposite direction like the previous week! ha) instead of just little 0.5 pounds here and there!

So, I will keep trying to be healthy and maybe my body will let me know when it is happy at it's weight!? tehe. more later.

OH MY WORD, I AM EXHAUSTED! It's horrible! I don't know what to do with myself.

I went to bed late...
I got up at 7, so about 4 hours of sleep.
Ran in 90 F heat 2.5 miles in 55% humidity... horrible.
Then I showered and took a 25 min NAP! At the rec, at that. Ghetto.
Gave a friend a ride home.
Met C for lunch.
Did minute amount of work. :(
Got coldstone. Don't worry sinless w/ strawberries = 160 cals! Mon amie mange 700 cals!
Helped someone out for about 1.5 h.
Got back to the lab.
Did some work.
Ate supper.
Sitting here TIRED BEYOND BELIEF.
Such an unproductive day!
It's horrible! (How many times have I said that?!)

Mon ami que mange 700 cals, well, she has lost SO MUCH WEIGHT. NOT IN A HEALTHY WAY (working out excessive amounts, not eating enough [one meal a day ---small!], and taking diet pills)... how do you stop someone who you care about and you see that they are beautiful and just tell them to get it out of their head that they are *NOT* fat and that they NEED to eat?! Like "for serious", it's not a good thing. And I know that for the rest of the day she will OBSESS about those 700 calories. She'll also say things like "I ONLY ran 2 miles." Today she ran 3 and then went on the elliptical for 2 miles. She ran 6 on Mon, 4 on Tues, "only" 2 yesterday...

OVEREXERCISING IS A FORM OF AN EATING DISORDER. PERIOD. I AM NOT JOKING. LOOK IT UP.

Then, mon autre amie, well, I worry about her. She is theeee sweetest girl ever (behind Ashrian). She seems healthy, but she has a major problem with food. You know, I have a problem with food, but NOT like this. She is a recovering anorexic / bulimic and she hasn't thrown up in 11 months. I AM SO PROUD OF HER! THAT IS HUUUUUUUGE!!

Well, she told me about this thing called chew and spit... it's where people chew their food and then spit it out. Seriously, I just don't even know what to say. First of all, I had never heard of this before. And thinking about it just grosses me out (and still does)--- I hate "see-food"! I looked it up and the prevalence is ALARMING.

UNDERSTATEMENT. DO NOT EVEN TRY IT PEOPLE! Apparently, it is THAT addictive. (And, think about it, you consume calories ANYWAY doing it!)

This is what I want for myself and all of you out there. Just try to be healthy. Stuff happens where we momentarily fall of the wagon, but as Ash says the WAGON HAS NOT LEFT --- it's just waiting for you to hop back on. We're all human and we all make stupid choices now and again, BUT the way I see it is the good must weigh out the bad. Think of it as a HUGE scale over time --- as long as the healthy choices are in the lead THIS IS A STEP. I know that I beat myself up over things, and you know, sometimes THINGS happen so I am trying to keep a positive attitude with myself AND with food. And besides, eating too little and exercising too much or any combination of these DOES HORRIBLE THINGS TO OUR BODIES! Like screw up our thyroids and even more ironically, OUR METABOLISM (and btw, it is NOT for the better!)...

How, in this society that we are living in, can we possibly raise NORMAL women?! Women who can appreciate their bodies and respect themselves?!

I won't get myself started, because you know my views about photoshop, body dysmorphia, and the forever aiming for "perfect" because NOTHING will EVER be good enough.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

PLEASE, at least look under symptoms/ behaviors and locations of "perceived" defect. ALARMING.

So, you mothers out there need to realize that YOUR views of YOUR OWN SELF will permeate into their mentalities. This little 11 year old I know is so FIT (like seriously, not even joking, she has a six pack) and she tells me she is FAT (yet tells me that I am not lol). UMMM, FIT IS SOOOOO NOT FAT!

So, if you are looking at yourself in the mirror and give negative feedback or you ask your husband "do I look fat in this?" ... yeah, please reevaluate you actions. I beg of you.

My mom has always been supportive of me. Everything of who I am. And my sister, too. Which is ironic, because my mom must be UBER accepting due to the fact that me and sis are NOTHING alike! Well, she or my dad never call me by my real name. My mom only uses my "real" name when she hears negativities come from my mouth or actions (yeah, she knows me) and immediately says "****, STOP THAT!" ...

Thanks, mom! No, serious--- she always gave me positive reinforcement. ALWAYS. And VERY supportive and loving. She would always pray with us in the mornings. Really the sweetest person ever and I am LUCKY AND BLESSED.

Anyway, one of my oldest friends had a COMPLETELY OPPOSITE VIEW. Her mom would tell HER that she was fat. (btw, SHE WASN'T) And the mom went on a diet and told her she should, too. Umm, yeah, sorry won't work, hun. She must want it or it "ain't gonna work". Period. Nor do the negative comments affect her in a POSITIVE WAY--- makes sense, no?! Please realize that. Thank God her support system now is phenomenal and she is *beautiful*!

Okay, I HAVE to add that this is not isolated just with women. Sorry that I always say "she" or "her", but it happens with young men/boys, too! So unfortunate.

And boy am I freaking naive. I had NO idea that there are support groups for this type of behavior! Just look up "pro ana" or "ana and mia" or "pro ana mia"...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pro-ana

Of course, I get all of my "sources" from wikipedia (screw Scifinder! lol!)

I told C about this C/S thing and he looked at me in ALL SERIOUSNESS and said DO NOT EVER EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THAT. I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. YOU ARE PERFECT AND YOU ARE DELUSIONAL THAT YOU THINK YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. OH, AND I LOVE YOUR CURVES, SO STOP IT!

Period.

So the dude has spoken. And it's funny that I wrote about curves yesterday and he told me that last night. Yeah, he knows me. AND I feel the love!

He is seriously the best... I him. I feel like I need to apologize for always saying "stuff" like that, but it is true. I wouldn't be who *I* am today without him.

Okay, hope to get some stuff done and go to bed early!

_____________________________________________________________________

One last thing... in the process of c/s people CONSUME calories and OFTEN (ironically) GAIN weight from the act, as well as make your jaw hurt (from all the chewing) and can lead to "teeth rot"!
_____________________________________________________________________

I seriously had to get off of the message boards on there because it was DEPRESSING ME while simultaneously grossing me out... bleh.

SO, today was relatively a good day.

First of all, I went to bed at 5 am... so needless to say I slept in. I got a decent amount of work done in the lab and I got dragged out on a run. First of all, he wanted to go at 3. NO EFFIN' WAY. It was 90 and "felt like" 97 thanks to weather.com. ha. I can't run in heat like that. So we waited until about 7 (even though we don't run together he's too fast!). It was HORRIBLE! Seriously, I swear it "felt like" 100 at this point. It's just very humid and it was hard to breathe. I stopped at a gas station to get some water at mile 2. Then it was kind of downhill from there. I walked 2 min, ran 2 min, etc. My average mile was NOT GOOD BUT I DID IT. Five miles, 75 minutes. I burned 1025 calories. REDICILOUS!

Also, I must add something personal. Last week I was the meanest I have ever been to someone. This is a good friend, a sibling of sorts. I just freaked out. I wasn't feeling well and I was put over the edge. No one deserves what I did to him. Thank God that he forgave me. I apologized that night and said I don't know what got into me, gave him some background information, and maybe it was a bonding experience? Who knows... the next day he didn't say ONE WORD TO ME. It was horrible. I just came up to him and pretty much said I have never been that mean; no one deserves that; I feel really bad. He said it's okay; that wasn't you and I know that; don't worry about it. The really weird thing is that I BELIEVE HIM. I reiterated to him that it was NOT OKAY. But basically the thing that has been really bothering me is that when he sees an attractive woman, he has to comment ON EVERYONE and make some sort of pig noise EVERY TIME. It just got really annoying (and seriously detrimental to my self-esteem --- cuz there is NO WAY I would EVER look like THAT, nor do I want to... thank you, C for LOVING ME NO MATTER WHAT WEIGHT). And by no means was it that I wanted him to find me attractive. ha. That would be weird! When we "made up" of sorts he told me that there is no reason why I should have low self esteem that I am a wonderful person, I have a boyfriend who would do anything for me, that my students adore me and even got an award with it and just to get my head out of the gutter and that my self-esteem should be through the roof. This was the most genuine thing anyone has ever said to me. I really appreciated it... and I think I NEEDED to hear that. It's not just about the weight that I obsess with but other things. I just need to not get bogged down with my insecurities and negativities. Again, I am trying VERY HARD and I feel like I have had a change. C tells me all of the time nice things. He's so sweet. Like this morning he told me that yesterday I looked really pretty. This are not isolated occurances, either. I am just LUCKY. I am completely in love with him and I am just very blessed. But, it is not like all of YOU (and everyone else) sees me and sees 191 (ouch, I was 188 last week but as Ash says, "girly-time"). It's not plastered on my forehead and I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER. I am beginning to appreciate my curves. I am womanly. I am proportionate. I am "normal". I just remember when I hit the 190s for the first time when I was losing weight and I WAS ON CLOUD NINE. ECSTATIC. And it took my cousin to make me realize that. She (and so many others) loved me at 232 and any other weight. My weight will not define me. And seriously, I am feeling good, even in the 190s. I am trying to do my body BETTER. I don't do it justice most of the times, but I am cognitive of my decisions and eventually I will make the switch to do even better (not like I am doing horrible), because I realized I can't just beat myself up about EVERY SLIP UP! As long as I am healthy (and I AM --- I was even "fit" at 232 --- seriously, I was guys thanks to track!) and that I give myself positive feedback. So, that's why I am having a good day. It's the endorphines pumping from my good run! (even though my time wasn't good lol BUT I FINISHED! :)) That, and also, about 1 hour ago, I went to Starbucks with Bud1 and Bud2. Bud2 has a family and is much older. But when those two get together the comments about women are ASTONISHINGLY INAPPROPRIATE. Well, don't think I haven't noticed, Bud1, (he doesn't read this blog, thank God) that he has tamed down COMPLETELY. I know that he sees them. That's fine and I could careless but it's the "oh my gosh" or the "aiiihhhh" or whatever. None of that anymore. And it's not like I want him to "change who he is" it is just like any NORMAL woman would feel the exact same way and let me tell you would NOT appreciate that! So, even if he is changing, it is definitely for the better. So, at starbucks Bud2 made "the noise", Bud1 agreed BUT NO NOISE! Seriously, guys, this noise is so obscene! SO YAY! He is respectful of why I feel this way, because he knows WHY. It just makes me happier all around.

SO, yay! Good day and I am going to go home now! Even better!

I really appreciate all of the reading you guys do.

And I need to end this with a SERIOUS SHOUT OUT. My bff and soul-sister called me twice last night. First off, I couldn't find my phone so it wasn't on me, but I listened to my messages and 1/2 (2) were from her. She's just so sweet. I just love you! She told me that she was re-reading my blog. Like for serious, she READ ALL (what?) TWENTY-EIGHT PAGES OF MY BLOG. That just gives me a feeling of ... indescribable... refreshing... overwhelming... love! SO QUADRUPLE YAYS FOR TODAY!!

So, I am taking M*'s advice. She's super supportive and (I think) a pretty much everyday reader. She uses thedailyplate.com to update what she eats everyday. I used that before to look up nutritional stats, but I never used it for anything else. Well, jury's in! I love it! You all should check it out.

Really, really boring over here... nothing more to report.

Thanks, M!

You got my lazy butt outta bed on a Saturday. IT HAS BEEN MONTHS SINCE I HAVE NOT SLEPT IN ON A SATURDAY... and it's the earliest I have been up since Monday... (a lot of late nights)... so yeah I feel like I have at least accomplished some things today! YAY 4 getting me to spin!

I am not making a habit of no bfast, believe me!
Spin: 500 cals; 1/2 L H2O
Lunch: 330 cals SBD pizza, 11 fat, 8 fiber... plus pudding 50 cals 0 fat

More later...

yay!