Bfast:None (went to bed at 6)
Lunch:None (got up at 1)
Snack:protein bar special k (3 pm)
Supper:S.B.D. pizza (6 pm)
calories fat fiber sugars protein
180 . 6 . 5 . 15 . 10 special k
330 . 11 . 8 . 5 . 30 pizza cheese
120 . 0 . 0 . 0 . 8 2x yogurt
. then it gets bad
550 . 17 . 1 . 73 . 13 yeah tell you later...
360 . 16 . 1 . 6 . 14 "
90 . 0 . 4 . 18 . .4 apple I guess my "bfast"
1630 . 50 . 19 . 117 (!). 75.4

Okay, so my "slip-up" consisted of a McDonalds run. I had a McFlurry. And thanks to Rubble I am looking at sugar now. GEEZ, seventy-three effing grams of sugar?! DO YOU KNOW HOW HORRIBLE THAT IS!?! I guess I should have THOUGHT about the stats before doing that... and I had a McChicken... WHY AM I CONTINUING TO SABOTAGE MYSELF?!

No wonder there is no "scale" progress... no, gain, either. Why am I thinking that is "okay"... maybe, cuz I am trying to look at the positive? ... I don't like me negative, so I AM TRYING! SMALL STEPS, right?

Okay, eat mindfully, eat mindfully, eat mindfully... AND SAY NO! GEEZ, what have I been thinking lately??????????????

A little confused...

25 people visited my site in 24h. That's insane! Now, I hope that this didn't get "too" out (i.e. so my peeps here don't find out about it)... it's different when you tell someone who is in the same situation, a friend, a family member, etc... now I am thinking I am wiggin'! Oh well... I should be happy, right?! Well, I am! Thanks for reading what *I* have to say... I still can't see what I have to say is that interesting!

I found the original post for the Jessica story...

http://gamamiro.wordpress.com/2008/01/21/jessica-leonard-obesidad-morbida-infantil/

It's not in English, but you can see the photo of her and the words around her.

Just been one of those days. Heavy heart. Heavy heart. And my stomach is killing me due to my heavy heart.

P.S. Last night I had TWO muffins (prob. 400 cal total w/ a latte at the coffee shop) BY MYSELF, DG! Then about two hours later when I was still up (bad in multiple ways, I KNOW!)... but I stopped at Jimmy Johns and I got an "unwich". Heard of those? Basically get rid of the bread and wrap it in lettuce. Oh, my! It was SO good! Simply, I orded and said "unwich 1 no tomatoes, no mayo" and it was ham and cheese wrapped up with shredded lettuce with lettuce leaves. Very good. And I was in the drive through and I got a large drink. Okay, so I "invented" this awhile ago. Basically, I LOVE root beer and Dr. Pepper. I don't mind the diet AT ALL... obviously, I prefer it. But anyway, restaurants only have Diets Pepsi and Coke and SELDOM a Mt. Dew. So I fill it almost all the way up to the top (leave about 1/2 inch room or less) and just squirt a little bit of the root beer or Dr. Pepper and I even do that when I get diet pepsi -I just add a SMIDGE of pepsi to it (same goes for the Mt. Dew). It's so weird, it really tricks you into thinking that it is *real*... well, I asked for that last night. I said (lol) so can I be difficult? No ice, diet coke with a half inch of coke? They did it.

But I am NOT trusting at all. I like to prepare my food so I know what is in it. SO I FOOLED MYSELF. I wasn't sure if they actually did it because it tasted so real (and IT DOES WHEN I DO IT, TOO!) haha. I just have to be more trusting, huh?!

Today:

No bfast again. HORRIBLE.
WORKED OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE SAT!
Swam for 2/3 mile.
Had jc stop (250 cals) 5 pts
then had a banana a couple hours later (100) 2 pts
s. beach living pizza (330) 6 pts
yogurt (60) 1 pt
s. apple (60) 1 pt
_______
(800) 15 pts...

I am exhausted... and ... a little perturbed...

Okay since I wrote this originally I had chips, a quesidilla and again... two muffins. But this time I MADE THEM therefore I know what is in them... I don't even follow the box... ha. It calls for oil, eggs, milk. I basically put in either the 2 eggs or 1 egg even and just use a tad more milk. I honestly don't even measure. If it is still dry, then I add more milk. I don't think anyone would ever even notice. So... quesidilla = bad. Muffins = not so bad but I could have stopped at one. But my stomach hurt earlier... couldn't really eat. Then I was just like SCREW IT and so hungry that I ate bad for me (hence the quesidilla, but hell, it could have been worse, trust me) therefore making my stomach still hurt... the same intensity as before.
______________________________________________________________________

A song by Avril... I LOVE THIS SONG. It fits me right now...

I'm tugging at my hair
I'm pulling at my clothes
I'm trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the
words inside my head

('Cause) I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What's on my mind
If ain't coming out
We're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell
you that I care

What's wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say

Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
These things I'll never say
______________________________________________________________________

Gosh, my stomach has NOT hurt like this for a very long time. I mean, yeah, thank goodness it hasn't hurt like this for a long time, but I feel like I am dying. I wanted to make an escape from the building. As usual, it never goes seamlessly. It was a party, fooosoooo. I basically walked out of the building and cried on my way to my car. I don't know what's wrong with me??
______________________________________________________________________

I am leaving my blog like this. Just like L.G.

"I will end my blog with this"... tomorrow is another day. I need to keep my chin up.

I think I actually did *okay*!

No breakfast ... bad, I know!

Lunch:

S. Beach "Living" Pizza 360 cals, 13 g fat, 31 g protein (!), 8 g fiber, roughly 8 pts.
Watermelon (a lot of it)
H2O

"snack": "No fun latte" as they called it (no fat, sugar free, decaf latte), 100 cals, 0 fat, 0 fiber

Supper: Kashi "7 Whole Grains on a Mission" (lol) Pasta Pesto Primavera (say that 3x fast). 290 cals, 11 g fat, 7 g fiber, 11 g protein
Corn (leftovers from yesterday - took off the cob ! yum!!), 100 cals, 1 g fat, 6 g fiber, 5 g protein. I mixed it in w/ the Kashi and it was SO good!!
More watermelon. Prob. 4 servings of it today lol (love it), maybe 200 cals, 4 g fat, 4 g fiber, 4 g protein.

Totals for today:
cals: 1050
Fat: 29
Fiber: 25
Protein: 50

Ironically that is about 24 points... I think I am going to have a muffin tonight at the coffee shop. ??

And I have an apple that I think I will eat now... I am hungry!

I just heard of this 7 year old girl that weighed 420 pounds. When she was only 5 she weighed 200 pounds.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YUbSvt-gGq0

Look what this miraculous girl accomplished with the help of child services (the mom has her back now, but was taken away due to the child's health--- she is quoted saying that she made mistakes and was slowly killing her daughter and feels ashamed for that)

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://bp3.blogger.com/_j
qLm4W1Sois/R5O4Zzqn50I/AAAAAAAAEvs/5-KtSthCjWM/s400/Jessica%2BLe
onard_9.jpg&imgrefurl=http://gamamiro.wordpress.com/2008/01/21/j
essica-leonard-obesidad-morbida-infantil/&h=369&w=268&sz=26&hl=e
n&start=25&um=1&tbnid=7-fHhePImTlTkM:&tbnh=122&tbnw=89&prev=/ima
ges%3Fq%3DJessica%2BLeonard%26start%3D21%26ndsp%3D21%26um%3D1%26
hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

(sorry you'll have to piece together yourself, otherwise it screws up my blog page.)

She now weighs 100 pounds (SHE LOST 76% of her original body weight!). She needs to have surgery to lose about 20 pounds of skin and she'll then be about 20% of what she was! She does physical therapy 5x a week and is on a strict diet, ironically enforced by her mother now.

WOW.
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On an unrelated note (as you know now, I am the most random person ever), I told my DG that I *just* realized I should be eating more fruits and veggies. Then the veggie said, "YOU THINK?! And don't be one of those that think that CORN is a vegetable?!" WHAT?! She meant rice (her hubby thinks that) lol. I laughed SO hard because of this. No, but in all seriousness I decided that really need to reevaluate my veggie/ fruit intake. So, that's my new mini-goal.
_______________________________________________________________________

Also, I need to mention something that I think ROCKS.

Ashrian at nottie2hottie.blogstream.com got me into this blogging thing. She ROCKS. I still remember the day that I met her. She was 6 months pregnant and I asked something completely embarrassing like oh you must be due NOW?! Nope, three more months (I started in the beg. of July and was due on Halloween but came a little later so I guess lil' John-John was only 5 months in the whom then). But she is theeeeeeeeee sweeeeetest person EVER and wasn't offended by my comment. Not gonna lie, we hit it off from the get-go. It was like we knew each other for a very long time and she always has been a constant in my life and a very very very positive, bubbly person AND positive influence in my life. She has lost a miraculous 80 or so pounds (sorry, Ash I don't know the exact number), nonetheless SHE IS AMAZING!

So, thanks to Ashley Rian I started this blog. And it's cool, too, because now my DG started one at whatsaraeats.blogstream.com (Can I stay on track? ps. all of these are in my favorite blog links.)

And one day I randomly was looking at other health-related blogs and sent some random messages. Only ONE wrote back. She hadn't written for 2 years or something like that and claims that she forgot about the blog! So, not only did she start writing again, but she is holding herself accountable with food and exercise. She's losergirl at losing the lbs for good.

And even cooler is that the beautiful Rubble at RubbleRoadToHealth... well, losergirl apparently wrote to her (I gather that from the shout out on her blog) after not writing for a month. And now Rubble is encouraging all of us. The cycle keeps going.

So THANKS for the support, encouragement and kind words to everyone. And even if you don't comment, I still enjoy that people CONTINUE to read my blog (still can't really wrap my head around it!)... okay, off to work!

So...

this weekend was not a good one eating... I wrote what I ate on Saturday and it wasn't THAT bad compared to Sunday...

I had three slices of cheese stuffed crust pizza! That's 1200 calories! I ate it anyway and it was GOOD. But what do they say?!

"Nothing tastes as good as feeling thin feels."

Can I just remind myself of it?! I believe it, yes, but does that stop me from eating pizza and ice cream (yeah, I had ice cream about 2 hours beforehand). ARG.

AND of course I didn't work out... this stupid project.

Can I be done, yet?!

Grr... oh, the trials!

So, I just need to remind myself of what I said I would try to do "eat mindfully" which doesn't just mean "yeah, I know I am eating that crap and my body will hate me later, but I don't care"... it has to change to "why not something that will make my tummy feel better?! and my mind?"

Blah!

?????????
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To change gears a little. So our little small town where I am from has lost two outstanding individuals in a little over 6 weeks. One in a tragic car accident; the other to cancer.

I don't know which is "better"... to die without warning or to die being able to say "goodbye"... but I believe that a goodbye is not forever. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and I can't seem to shake it. I can't imagine this happening to someone very dear to me. I don't want to imagine, either... but death is a part of life. I need to get out of the mentality of "I wish I could start my life"...

"Life happens when we are continually planning for our future."

That statement hits home with me- it strikes true to my heart.

And so what I have been thinking about is this: I am okay with dying. I know I am going to a better place. This is so selfish of me, because I am NOT okay with loved ones leaving ME. Why is that so much harder? Because we have pain on earth, but not in Heaven? The one lost to cancer really lived life to it's fullest. And it's not just a cliche statement said after he died. No, even before he was diagnosed with that awful disease he did. That's admirable. That's what I need to do, but some people are only *here* for a short while, while others are destined for GREATNESS. I can't be sad for him. I should be HAPPY for his soul. But I am entirely sad for his fiancee. They were high school sweethearts and have been together for 8 years! This just hits home to me. She's 23 years old and she's only loved ONE person. One person she thought she was destined to be with (if you believe in that and I do, but I guess that doesn't mean she CAN'T be happy w/ someone else...). I couldn't imagine how heart broken I would be. I mean, I am heart broken for her, even. I really am. I guess that's selfish of me, too, because it makes me think of MY situation... or is that just empathy? NOt sure. But I know that I just can't shake that feeling for her. And she was so strong throughout it all. But when does that stop and you go home, to an empty house or apt. and just bask in sorrow? To lose someone like that.

But, I guess such is life. People do it all of the time. They become widows, widowers, fatherless, motherless, childless, friendless. I guess a broken heart never truly mends. We just have to remember them in LIFE not DEATH, the memories and the good times and to realize they are not *that* far away and I would like to think that they would not want us so sad... I mean, if they truly love us.

So, then, why is it so sad?! Knowing they are happy, painless, fearless, and full of love? Now, that doesn't make sense, now does it?

Of course, this would all be harder if I didn't believe and so I will treasure my loved ones and friends and try to make the most of my life on earth and when I die, which everyone does, I will get to meet my brother for the first time, see my grandparents, Fluffy (yes, I believe animals go to Heaven), and I will wait for the rest to bask in all of His glory.