So...

this weekend was not a good one eating... I wrote what I ate on Saturday and it wasn't THAT bad compared to Sunday...

I had three slices of cheese stuffed crust pizza! That's 1200 calories! I ate it anyway and it was GOOD. But what do they say?!

"Nothing tastes as good as feeling thin feels."

Can I just remind myself of it?! I believe it, yes, but does that stop me from eating pizza and ice cream (yeah, I had ice cream about 2 hours beforehand). ARG.

AND of course I didn't work out... this stupid project.

Can I be done, yet?!

Grr... oh, the trials!

So, I just need to remind myself of what I said I would try to do "eat mindfully" which doesn't just mean "yeah, I know I am eating that crap and my body will hate me later, but I don't care"... it has to change to "why not something that will make my tummy feel better?! and my mind?"

Blah!

?????????
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To change gears a little. So our little small town where I am from has lost two outstanding individuals in a little over 6 weeks. One in a tragic car accident; the other to cancer.

I don't know which is "better"... to die without warning or to die being able to say "goodbye"... but I believe that a goodbye is not forever. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and I can't seem to shake it. I can't imagine this happening to someone very dear to me. I don't want to imagine, either... but death is a part of life. I need to get out of the mentality of "I wish I could start my life"...

"Life happens when we are continually planning for our future."

That statement hits home with me- it strikes true to my heart.

And so what I have been thinking about is this: I am okay with dying. I know I am going to a better place. This is so selfish of me, because I am NOT okay with loved ones leaving ME. Why is that so much harder? Because we have pain on earth, but not in Heaven? The one lost to cancer really lived life to it's fullest. And it's not just a cliche statement said after he died. No, even before he was diagnosed with that awful disease he did. That's admirable. That's what I need to do, but some people are only *here* for a short while, while others are destined for GREATNESS. I can't be sad for him. I should be HAPPY for his soul. But I am entirely sad for his fiancee. They were high school sweethearts and have been together for 8 years! This just hits home to me. She's 23 years old and she's only loved ONE person. One person she thought she was destined to be with (if you believe in that and I do, but I guess that doesn't mean she CAN'T be happy w/ someone else...). I couldn't imagine how heart broken I would be. I mean, I am heart broken for her, even. I really am. I guess that's selfish of me, too, because it makes me think of MY situation... or is that just empathy? NOt sure. But I know that I just can't shake that feeling for her. And she was so strong throughout it all. But when does that stop and you go home, to an empty house or apt. and just bask in sorrow? To lose someone like that.

But, I guess such is life. People do it all of the time. They become widows, widowers, fatherless, motherless, childless, friendless. I guess a broken heart never truly mends. We just have to remember them in LIFE not DEATH, the memories and the good times and to realize they are not *that* far away and I would like to think that they would not want us so sad... I mean, if they truly love us.

So, then, why is it so sad?! Knowing they are happy, painless, fearless, and full of love? Now, that doesn't make sense, now does it?

Of course, this would all be harder if I didn't believe and so I will treasure my loved ones and friends and try to make the most of my life on earth and when I die, which everyone does, I will get to meet my brother for the first time, see my grandparents, Fluffy (yes, I believe animals go to Heaven), and I will wait for the rest to bask in all of His glory.