SO, today was relatively a good day.

First of all, I went to bed at 5 am... so needless to say I slept in. I got a decent amount of work done in the lab and I got dragged out on a run. First of all, he wanted to go at 3. NO EFFIN' WAY. It was 90 and "felt like" 97 thanks to weather.com. ha. I can't run in heat like that. So we waited until about 7 (even though we don't run together he's too fast!). It was HORRIBLE! Seriously, I swear it "felt like" 100 at this point. It's just very humid and it was hard to breathe. I stopped at a gas station to get some water at mile 2. Then it was kind of downhill from there. I walked 2 min, ran 2 min, etc. My average mile was NOT GOOD BUT I DID IT. Five miles, 75 minutes. I burned 1025 calories. REDICILOUS!

Also, I must add something personal. Last week I was the meanest I have ever been to someone. This is a good friend, a sibling of sorts. I just freaked out. I wasn't feeling well and I was put over the edge. No one deserves what I did to him. Thank God that he forgave me. I apologized that night and said I don't know what got into me, gave him some background information, and maybe it was a bonding experience? Who knows... the next day he didn't say ONE WORD TO ME. It was horrible. I just came up to him and pretty much said I have never been that mean; no one deserves that; I feel really bad. He said it's okay; that wasn't you and I know that; don't worry about it. The really weird thing is that I BELIEVE HIM. I reiterated to him that it was NOT OKAY. But basically the thing that has been really bothering me is that when he sees an attractive woman, he has to comment ON EVERYONE and make some sort of pig noise EVERY TIME. It just got really annoying (and seriously detrimental to my self-esteem --- cuz there is NO WAY I would EVER look like THAT, nor do I want to... thank you, C for LOVING ME NO MATTER WHAT WEIGHT). And by no means was it that I wanted him to find me attractive. ha. That would be weird! When we "made up" of sorts he told me that there is no reason why I should have low self esteem that I am a wonderful person, I have a boyfriend who would do anything for me, that my students adore me and even got an award with it and just to get my head out of the gutter and that my self-esteem should be through the roof. This was the most genuine thing anyone has ever said to me. I really appreciated it... and I think I NEEDED to hear that. It's not just about the weight that I obsess with but other things. I just need to not get bogged down with my insecurities and negativities. Again, I am trying VERY HARD and I feel like I have had a change. C tells me all of the time nice things. He's so sweet. Like this morning he told me that yesterday I looked really pretty. This are not isolated occurances, either. I am just LUCKY. I am completely in love with him and I am just very blessed. But, it is not like all of YOU (and everyone else) sees me and sees 191 (ouch, I was 188 last week but as Ash says, "girly-time"). It's not plastered on my forehead and I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER. I am beginning to appreciate my curves. I am womanly. I am proportionate. I am "normal". I just remember when I hit the 190s for the first time when I was losing weight and I WAS ON CLOUD NINE. ECSTATIC. And it took my cousin to make me realize that. She (and so many others) loved me at 232 and any other weight. My weight will not define me. And seriously, I am feeling good, even in the 190s. I am trying to do my body BETTER. I don't do it justice most of the times, but I am cognitive of my decisions and eventually I will make the switch to do even better (not like I am doing horrible), because I realized I can't just beat myself up about EVERY SLIP UP! As long as I am healthy (and I AM --- I was even "fit" at 232 --- seriously, I was guys thanks to track!) and that I give myself positive feedback. So, that's why I am having a good day. It's the endorphines pumping from my good run! (even though my time wasn't good lol BUT I FINISHED! :)) That, and also, about 1 hour ago, I went to Starbucks with Bud1 and Bud2. Bud2 has a family and is much older. But when those two get together the comments about women are ASTONISHINGLY INAPPROPRIATE. Well, don't think I haven't noticed, Bud1, (he doesn't read this blog, thank God) that he has tamed down COMPLETELY. I know that he sees them. That's fine and I could careless but it's the "oh my gosh" or the "aiiihhhh" or whatever. None of that anymore. And it's not like I want him to "change who he is" it is just like any NORMAL woman would feel the exact same way and let me tell you would NOT appreciate that! So, even if he is changing, it is definitely for the better. So, at starbucks Bud2 made "the noise", Bud1 agreed BUT NO NOISE! Seriously, guys, this noise is so obscene! SO YAY! He is respectful of why I feel this way, because he knows WHY. It just makes me happier all around.

SO, yay! Good day and I am going to go home now! Even better!

I really appreciate all of the reading you guys do.

And I need to end this with a SERIOUS SHOUT OUT. My bff and soul-sister called me twice last night. First off, I couldn't find my phone so it wasn't on me, but I listened to my messages and 1/2 (2) were from her. She's just so sweet. I just love you! She told me that she was re-reading my blog. Like for serious, she READ ALL (what?) TWENTY-EIGHT PAGES OF MY BLOG. That just gives me a feeling of ... indescribable... refreshing... overwhelming... love! SO QUADRUPLE YAYS FOR TODAY!!