I sit here with many things running through my mind at a disastrous speed.

I have tried to write a blog post for a couple of days now, but I couldn't actually write... anything.

I should not be doing THIS right now. I am waiting for stuff in the lab, but in all honesty I could be doing *something besides this, but as I said a lot is on my mind.

My sis is prego with my Godbaby...

which I am SO happy about.

But, when did I get to be of the age where I am able to have a Godbaby?! OR that everyone around me is either:

a) Engaged
b) Married
c) Expecting
d With children...

And it doesn't help that my babyGodmama (haha that's funny) writes that her girl is turning 2 and that she's lucky to spend time with her before she's all grown up.

SIGH.

Oh, how I hate when my great friends throw reality at me.

It's true.

My mom told me that my dad told my mom that he can't believe that "my baby girl is already 25".

I don't know... I guess it's just me in a funk right now. Today is me and the boy's 10 year 10 month anniversary. And THAT is not putting me in a funk. I find it NUTS though. How 10 years can just go by with a blink of an eye. I know I talk about this a lot, but I just can't comprehend it.

Then I talk to friends who I feel don't really support my decision in grad school. But I don't think they find it negative. I feel that they only want me to be happy and they don't see me in that light right now. My good friend asked me today how many years left and I said well for a masters it'll be about 1 year and for a PhD 3-4 MORE years and she said I HOPE YOU GET THE MASTERS! Then I said well it just seems like yesterday I got here so that means TWO years have gone by, right? Hopefully if I stay here it goes like that, too. She agreed and said "that's true."

It's just LIFE is TOO SHORT.

People die young ALL OF THE TIME.

Would I spend my life here if I knew I would be dead in 2 years. Absolutely not.

Would I spend my life here if I knew I would be dead in 25 years.
Yes, maybe so.

But reality hits. [Thank you, Friends.] And then you realize you DO NOT KNOW your own expiration date. Period.

Would I live my life different if I *did know it? Yes. So, why? Does that mean I am not living it how I should? Yes, maybe.

I would take more risks.
I would hope that I wouldn't be afraid of certain people, of things.
I would hug more (I LOVE HUGS).
I would appreciate the small things more.
I would let people know how I felt.

I WOULD STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES... because soon those roses will be dead.

I don't know, I just always felt that someday I would die of cancer. This is such a morbid thought, I know (even before I knew I would become a chemist I thought this). I never really could picture myself "old". Yet, I can picture myself with the love of my life. And this is NOT a normal thought to think the following thing (I tell you my psyche is ALL JACKED UP!): ... well, death is a part of life and life is a part of death. So, inevitably we will know many close friends, relatives, loved ones, parents, sisters, brothers ... die. And sometimes I just picture myself in that situation. AND I HATE THAT. IT IS SO DAMN DEPRESSING.

I don't want to be that person who realizes that "this person died" and the last thing I said to them was not very nice. I didn't say I love you "one last time".

AND I even thought I would start writing letters to loved ones and maybe when they became "outdated" I would give them away and write new ones. Because what's life without appreciating others?!

Yet, with EVERYTHING WE ALWAYS WANT MORE...

10 more minutes of sleep.
10 more minutes of snuggling with your loved ones.
10 more minutes talking to your Pops.
1 more scoop of ice cream.
10 more days of vacation.
10 more "I love yous" or "thank yous"...
So... when is it *enough*? EVER? Is *it ever ENOUGH?

......................................................................

Hell, yeah I have lived my life. But I would have changed some things here or there.

I am privileged.

Privileged to have the loving, hard working parents I do.
Privileged to have the friends I have.
Privileged to feel appreciated.
Privileged to see God's portraits...
.......... to hear thunder...
.......... to smell freshly cut grass...
.......... to speak my mind...
.......... to taste Lefse and Kolaches.
Privilgeed to have gone to Europe... not once, but TWICE (and yet, of course I want to go back).

Yeah, I have always said I don't want to be a "townie"... someone who was born, lived and died all in the same town. But, I want more time with my family, yet I want to succeed in my life and so I am throwing myself out *here* in the hopes of surviving. And I will. Even though I have doubts, which isn't that natural?

......................................................................

Then I think about how C pretty much saved my life. I was only 14 when I met him, but I was absolutely SMITTEN. He made me laugh, love, cry, appreciate, miss. He's my one and only, my first love, my high school sweetheart, my soul mate, my only love. Some people wait their whole lifetime and don't even find "it". He puts up with my craziness, my messiness, my absentmindedness, my idiosyncrasies, my carefree and wild ways, my neurotic tendencies, my low self-esteem and image. He lifts my spirits, he makes me laugh, he sheds truth and honesty, he is my rock and is my constant encouragement for ... life's goings, he is my number one supporter. It's amazing to think that someone can care for me *that* much. For him to actually believe that I am the most beautiful girl in the world. And, readers, that's not b.s... he actually MEANS it.

AND THAT is why it is SO odd thinking that someone ELSE of the opposite sex could think that *I am attractive. I know this guy who ALWAYS pulls lines on me. It's funny. They are just lines and I call him on it, but he always calls me "pretty lady". Then I got a really good compliment from a guy friend of mine... he saw some pics on facebook that I just put up and his words: "you look great!" ... and 3 guys in the last 2 weeks have checked me out. As it is flattering, I *always* just think that they do it because they are appalled or that they do it to everyone or... whatever. I just need to get away with the mentality that I am *not the most hideous person in the world and *someone *may find me *attractive.

I sit here just laughing at that. That is so foreign to me. Not gonna lie, it almost makes me sick. I am not even joking. Because there is that part of me where it is *not a fine line or the fine line is not so fine... where I say things like the last paragraph to be positive but then I feel like a complete ... nincompoop.
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Okay, on to my health...

I went to ww on Saturday. What an effin' rude awakening. I did not gain 5 pounds, but EIGHT since last week as I am almost up to my recent high. Gosh, I just need to reevaluate. I need to stop being a fast food junkie. I need to stick to a calorie restriction. I need to plan ahead. I need to eat more fruits and vegetables. I need to not eat ice cream EVERY DAY. I need to restrain myself. I need to stop emotionally eating. I guess those are my goals right now. And I am going to start again with publicizing my weight. As much as I HATE that idea, I am forcing myself.

Highest adult weight 232. December 2004.
Weight before starting ww. 224. April 2005
"ending weight" 168. Feb 2006 (REACHED 172 SEPT 2005)
Lowest adult weight. 164. March 2006.
Weight November 2007. 198
Weight December 2007. 192
Weight January 2008. 182
Weight May 2008. 186
Weight June 2008. 188
Weight currently. 196.6 (OFFICIAL WEIGHT WATCHERS)
Weight goal: 175. I was at 182 FOR A LONG TIME THIS YEAR. It seems that was my "low" so as I get older I feel that it'll take longer to get to my ww goal (168, as it took 5 months to lose ~5 pounds).
Mini-goal: August 21st 182.

Days to goal: 38
Pounds to goal: 14.6

I will use the official weight watchers weigh in as my weight. Thanks to R for getting me to go back even though it makes me SICK!

A current photo... 05 July 2008 ... hopefully a "before" photo.